May

08 May 2012
Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.

I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.

My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.

What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.

The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.

How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.

Thanks Vic

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01 May 2012

Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.

He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h

If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do

 

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April

04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.

I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?

I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.

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March

27 Mar 2012
Hi Vic, I was in an abusive relationship 10 years ago. The only reason I left was that people at work turned up at my house unexpectedly and I could no longer hide the abuse. So I left him, in fear my work would tell my family. 10 years on I find myself with a Maori man who says he cannot help the warrior instinct that he has, it was how he was raised blah blah.

I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby. Sadly though my partner hit me before I was pregnant - always blaming 'my mouth'. This continued throughout the pregnancy with him punching me in the head numerous times when I was 36 weeks pregnant. When baby was born, he had chased me to my room and threatened me while our baby lay on the bed. He has hit me a couple of times since then. That's when he's not telling me I am f ---- g useless, I do nothing around the house, dinner should be cooked etc.

Also his two kids from another relationship live with us. They never see the physical abuse but the verbal they hear and see. I am isolated from my family and moving back is a huge mission. I don't know where to start. I promised when I found out I was pregnant that I would not let my baby see/hear abuse (as my mum and nan were abused) and I feel I have let her down. She is still only six months old.

Please help, where do I find the courage to leave him? I just don't know where to start. I have told no one of this, and my family/friends think he's lovely and a great match. I feel like a failure if I move home. Sorry I'm rambling, but I've never had anyone to talk to and would appreciate your advice.

I gave my partner an ultimatum a month ago, that he needed to go to counselling or we will leave him. So we are both going for relationship counselling, our first session is soon. I fear though he won't change, because he only ever blames me and I know it's not my fault.

I read what I have written and I'm so sad. Sad that I am so weak. No one expects a thing - I don't want to tell in case he changes. I'm so confused - please Vic what advice do you have? Not sure if I should email you or Jude so went with you?

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19 Mar 2012
Hi Vic. My ex-husband has always had anger and communication issues, stemming back from what he describes as a typical 'Once Were Warriors' upbringing. To his credit he has never openly hit either myself or our children, but this weekend he grabbed our 9-year old son so hard he caused pain and left bruises. I found this out when my son came home to me the next day and sat me down and told me he had 'bad news that might make me upset'. He recounted what happened, what led to the incident, and that he had cried in his room for an hour afterwards. Apparently they talked later and his father apologised, with the usual 'but you know how frustrated I get...' and the admission that his own dad had hit him growing up. (My son's understanding of this was that it's partly his own fault, partly his grandfather's fault, and least of all his dad's fault.)

My son admitted that he is scared his dad is turning into a 'hurting daddy', and that is one of the reasons he often says he would rather stay with me than go to his father's.
He gave me other examples of what his dad does, which includes 'kicking me on the bum', and pinching him so hard it hurts. And lots of yelling, which he finds equally upsetting. I've made sure my son understands he is not to blame in any way for his dad's actions, and reassured him that I will talk kindly with his dad and help him to find ways to learn how to change.

My questions to you are - who should I suggest my ex-husband contact to start this process?

What is the best way for me to support him through this change, without taking on responsibility or accepting the current behaviour in any way?

And how can I respect my son's request to stay with me yet still encourage him to spend time with his dad (and ensure he feels safe if/when he does so)?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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09 Mar 2012
Hi Vic, I have a very loving and kind 18 year old son whose temper has increased to that of a bull. He assaulted his sister a year ago. He has been to court regarding the matter and was sentenced to anger management and counselling. His father died last year so I guess some of it is mourning. The anger management programme never happened through lack of communication between the courts and the facility so he was resentenced to supervision. Through lack of communication from the court he is in more hot water, which is fuelling him more. He has outbursts of verbal abuse to myself, his sister and my partner who has been with us for 15 years. He kicks holes in the walls, doors etc, the police have attended and calmed him down but what can I do other than giving him a good bollocking myself? It's like walking on egg shells just to keep the peace, his sister acts up saying why doesn't he have to do his share of things. She can be just as bad, verbally winding him up. They are driving me mad! Agencies are not helping.

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February

23 Feb 2012
Hi Vic, I'm violent towards my partner, I cant seem to control it. He is being so good and supporting me through it now but it keeps happening and I know I am going to lose him.
I'm looking for help and there is a lot out there but how do we cover the cost? How do I stop being violent and get help if I can't afford it? Thanks so much for reading.

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14 Feb 2012
Hello, I've been in a volatile relationship for almost 26 years. Though we've been separated for four years I've always pursued him in the hope my unconditional love and support would win him over. However, this week I've made a stand to stamp out the violence. No contact. But he is still finding ways and I'm becoming increasingly disturbed. What can I do to reactivate or get a protection order ASAP? I'm feeling like I will either die trying or go back into the vicious cycle.

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07 Feb 2012
Hi Vic, I have been in my current relationship just on a year now, I love my partner to bits, and when things are good, I can see myself settling down with him. The problem is, I'm scared of him. Scared to do anything wrong, for anything to be out of place. Nothing is ever good enough, no matter how hard I try. I see my confidence going down the tubes, and I'm beginning to get depressed.

However, he has NEVER hit me, although this weekend he came close, he swears he never will, but I am worried, as he grew up with a father that beat both him and his mother, he has no support from his mother as she also has a very volatile temper. He flies off the handle at the smallest things, throwing things and really swearing. At first it was never directed at me, and never in public, but now more often it is in public, and it is so embarrassing!

What do I do? I don't want to leave, as I truly believe he can change, he recognises he has a problem and has agreed to get help, but from where? He won't go to any group things, and he has NEVER actually been violent. How can I help him to work through this anger, so that we can be happy? Because when he is happy he truly is the most loving, generous, kind and caring guy. Please help.

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02 Feb 2012
Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.

I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.

Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.

At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.

Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.

I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?

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January

25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.

I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.

Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.

We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.

I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.

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18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.

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