December
10 Dec 2009
Hi my dad is very abusive to my mum. What can I do to make him see he needs to get help before things spiral out of control? She is very strong in herself but won't press charges. She's not the usual abuse victim at all, she gives back to him what he gives to her, and is very tough on the inside, but there are personal reasons why she won't leave him that I could go into if you email me.
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07 Dec 2009
Hi Vic, I am in a very sticky situation and don't know what to do. My soon-to-be ex-husband has done nothing but physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally abuse me for a very long period of time. I tried so hard to make things work but the realisation is he only married me to come to NZ and get residency, even after we separated I tried to keep the peace and make life bearable for all concerned, we have a son together.
He has been so abusive even after I left him. I have gotten to the point I don't want to even communicate with him as all he does is either abuse me or ignore me, I never thought I would hate anyone as much as I do him. What do I do? I just can't take any more and all trust has gone that he won't continue to abuse me. I'm being forced to communicate with him. The professional people know of all he put me through but are treating me like I'm the criminal not him. He has residency but he got it fraudulently and soon will be removed from NZ.
Vic I just don't know what to do. Why do women who have been abused get treated like they are the criminal? Others have tried talking to him, too many to count, but as it's been pointed out he has narcissistic tendencies. How do I deal with some one like that? I hope you can help even in a small way.
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November
25 Nov 2009
My partner has just been remanded for sentencing as he assaulted me. I can't get rid of the feelings of guilt for having him arrested as he has lost his job. I still love him and at times I feel so lonely and isolated that I don't know what to do and I'm afraid that my moods will impact on my children.
Where do I go from here?
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October
20 Oct 2009
Hi Vic, Thank you for being on the ads you were great to watch.... I think you have a lot of courage. I have just separated from my husband two months after finding out he was a sex addict and sleeping with lots of other woman. He was also violent in the last year and a half of our two year marriage. He says he is getting help and has changed and wants me to take him back after being separated for four months. I believe in marriage and do believe you should stand by your husband, but then I believe it got too ugly to ever go back to him. I'm in two minds of what I should do: leave him for good, or try again at the risk of being hurt. Are you still with your wife/family? Were you and your wife able to stay together?
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07 Oct 2009
Hi
I am a 34 year old mum of two. In November of last year my partner of four years got hold of his shotgun and threatened to kill me and himself. I gathered myself and two kids together and we were forced to lock ourselves into my son's bedroom for 6 hours while the arm offenders tried to locate him. Once arrested and sentenced, he got 8 months home detention and I moved back to my home town. However since this incident he seems to have really taken a good look at himself and questioned his motives for his behaviour. He has been violent to me before in the past and has cheated on me more times than I can remember. He has attended anger management courses and I have noticed a huge change in his behaviour and especially his overall outlook on life. He has said he is sorry and explained to me where a lot of his anger has stemmed from, something he has never done before.
I believe that he is trying to change and believe that underneath it all he is a good man who just lost direction. Other people who have known him longer say the same and we are in the process of working on our relationship. The problem I have is comments from friends and some family that say I am mad and that a violent man like that will never change because they can't. I know that it is going to be a long recovery process for him but he is has been more open and honest with me than ever before. What do I say to people who just are not prepared to forgive and appreciate the fact that is taking huge steps to self recovery? I know it is a huge ask, but it's support that he needs not continual putdowns. Any advice would be great thanks.
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September
24 Sep 2009
I have this boyfriend who I've been with for two years now. We are about to have a baby and I do love him and he says he loves me, but he's always angry most of the time and tends to take things out on me. He's not as bad as he was before, but on the general occasion it has gotten to the point where he has become quite violent. He has had a rough childhood, with an abusive dad who used to be an alcoholic, and I'm starting to feel that he might be heading in the same direction. He's drinking a lot more and has recently gotten more abusive with me. When I try to sort things out with him, and ask him to talk to me he puts the blame on me for my so called ‘behaviour' towards him. Even if I have done nothing, he still blames me. His sister knows what he's like with me, and she's even tried to put a stop to it. But it's still continuing to the point where I've tried to leave, but he always stops me. He tells me he loves me and wants things to work, but it's a continuous cycle. What can I do to sort things out between us, or is it too late to?
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09 Sep 2009
What would you do if your 13 year old who is on a curfew from 4pm to 7am steals a car, goes joy riding, smashes it up, gets arrested, is given a breath test and is way over the limit (650) for her age, gets let out, next day gets caught shoplifting with someone, gets arrested again and let out, following day goes to school, beats on a student at school, is stood down, decides to meet up with another friend and go shoplifting again and gets arrested then let out once again. Question is, I really want to give her a backhand, what do I do?
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01 Sep 2009
Kia Ora Vic,
My partner and I have parted, it's only been a couple days. We have a 15 month old daughter and we have parted due to violence, my question is: I have told her in the past that I don't want to be that person and nothing hurts me more than to do these things to her and I have promised that I wouldn't hurt her and then I did it again, I've tried getting help but he was more of an alcohol counseller and a guy from work but I don't quite understand him sometimes and I don't think that he understands me. If I get help and try my best is it ok to ask her to come back? I feel like I can't ask her to come back because I have promised in the past I wouldn't hurt her and then I did it again so what could I possibly do or say now. I love my family so much and I just want to do the right thing and break the cycle that I've seen and known all my life.
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August
26 Aug 2009
I'm wondering what my next step should be. I've been married for 15 years have four children, me and my husband have respectable jobs, however we are also living in a very volatile situation. My husband has taken to wanting to go to the pub after work several nights a week. I'm left at home with the children and when I text and see when he's coming home he starts verbally attacking me insisting that I don't trust him when in actual fact I'm just sick of parenting alone. He has been extremely violent in the past on many occasions leaving me with bruises the size of tennis balls on my jaw, chest, legs, he has split my lip several times and regularly pokes me or squeezes my arms and wrists leaving fingerprints.
Last night I sent some very nasty texts saying I was leaving and that I hate him etc and then found myself wrapping myself in my dressing gown and clutching a pillow anticipating how I would protect myself from the fight that would no doubt ensue. However he was so drunk he fell asleep on the couch but this morning he started swearing and went to punch me however I had the phone and a key in my hand and I said I was about to phone the police but not before I dug the key into his face to show people what goes on. He left the room telling me I better be gone from the house by the time he gets home from work.
My question is how do I get him to leave when he refuses and it's his house also? I don't want to press charges because it would ruin his job. I feel absolutely trapped. I don't want to move out because he's such a negative influence on my children and will leave them alone to go out. I feel so helpless. What help is out there?
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19 Aug 2009
Hi, I will cut to the chase here. I am a very angry female. I have got a partner and four children under seven. In the past my partner and I have had a few fights, which resulted in me hitting him (he had retaliated twice). I always seem to be annoyed with him. My current big issue is with my four year old. He is very disobedient, non-compliant and aggressive towards his younger brother. I in turn get very angry towards him. I do smack/slap him, swear and say some really nasty things to him. I am at the stage where I do not want him anywhere near me as I do not like him. I feel really unappreciated. I take the children places, make them nice things and no-one ever says thanks, he is always complaining about everything we do, nothing is ever good enough, he always needs to get the last word etc. How do I deal with this? I feel used, and so MAD!!! I think that one day I may cause some damage, and don't know where to turn. Please help us.
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11 Aug 2009
Hi Vic, I left my partner nearly a year ago, I was living in a domestic violence relationship. I got sole custody of my two children. My daughter was very scared of her dad. He has now disowned the kids and hasn't seen them since I left him. I know they are better off without him but I always wonder will he change and come back into their lives and be a better dad. It's been nearly a year now and me and the kids have come a long way since I got help through Women's Refuge but it still hurts.
How he can walk away? You were once like him, do you think he loves his children? People say he has lost control, that's why he left. I was looking through this site to see what advice was out there.
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05 Aug 2009
Hi, I go to Waihi College, I'm 15 years of age. Yesterday we went to a family violence trip all day, it was good info. May I please ask you if l.o.v.e that you have on your hand back in the day you thought it was for respect and love?
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July
28 Jul 2009
What steps have you taken to actually change?
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13 Jul 2009
Hi Vic,
As I read through the stories on this site I feel a bit uncomfortable writing to you.
I am not one of the women who are beaten by their spouse or have to witness their children being beaten.
My situation is this: I have a husband who is verbally abusive and has spit on me once, and has punched me in the shoulder once, and has taken his index finger and poked my cheek. All abusive yes I know.
Where I struggle is they are isolated instances and I just keep hoping it will get better.
After he spat at me, I told him it was unacceptable and he at a minimum owed me an apology.
He said had I not upset him he wouldn't have done that.
I told him it didn't matter if he was upset or not, that was to never happen again. I asked him to go speak with someone and he will not. I told him if anything else happens he will have to go speak to someone or he will have to leave.
I feel like he is a ticking time bomb.
It has been 3 months since the spitting and I am just on pins and needles waiting for an explosion. I told him this weekend that I was really proud of how he has handled his temper since the last episode. He said it was because I have been keeping a calm household.
I told him that disappointed me that I was hoping it was because he realised his behaviour was unacceptable. He said no that it was because we have had a calm household.
I believe Vic I am in a losing battle. I want this to work but I don't think I can make it work on my own. I just don't know when is it OK to leave? I am not asking you to tell me this, this is just what I struggle with. I feel like if I leave I have quit him, but I do not want our children (we have a two year old) growing up believing the way he acts is OK.
My husband's father is terrible to his mother. I do not think he has ever hit her but he is very verbally abusive and belittles her constantly. I feel bad my husband grew up with this and his mother never told him it was not OK. His parents know what goes on in our home and I was told as a parent it is easier to put blinders on..... I am an American my husband is Kiwi. I have few friends here, all of my family is in the US.
I am ashamed to tell them what is really happening. They know he has a temper (my Dad has spoken to him about it twice) but have no idea what else has happened. I couldn't imagine what my Dad would do if he knew he spit on me. I am ashamed I am still here trying. My Dad raised me to be a very strong and independent woman, all things I used to be. I had a very successful career in the US. I gave it all up to move here to be with him. We got married and I stayed home with our son and he changed.
I just don't know what to do.
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June
19 Jun 2009
Hi, how can I help when the role is reversed? My boyfriend's ex-wife, they have 4 children between them, the ex has already ruined 3 relationships, I'm the 4th, but I'm not giving up that easy. I love my boyfriend, and want to find a solution through this problem his ex has with him. My boyfriend's ex has made him so scared that ending his life is an option. I am hoping that doesn't happen, can you help?
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08 Jun 2009
Is it ok for my stepson to hit me because I am trying to settle him down? I don't hit back when he hits me and he always says it's an accident but I'm tiny and it really hurts.
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May
10 May 2009
Hey Vic,
My question is what was your breaking point in the relationship when you said that's it? My situation started all nice and good then it all came crashing down. I tried and am still trying with my partner, the thing is he's still in prison. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he seems to want to change, but what do you think?
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April
24 Apr 2009
Hey Vic,
Did the physical violence start with verbal abuse, as right now I'm not very pleasant at times to my partner and sometimes get to the point where I want to snap. I had a fight with my dad because he belted my mum, now he has died and I don't want to carry that cycle forward. I have already given up drinking as I thought the aggressiveness would have left me with the bottle...ratshit it didn't. Anyway, I won't hit my partner but do think I need a hand with the verbal abuse.
Thanks heaps for your time and good on you for making the decision you did to be violence free.
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01 Apr 2009
I left a violent relationship with my four children 10 years ago. My ex-husband has had contact over the years and has not been a good role model unfortunately. My son and young family went to live with him. Ex came home drunk and turned on my son who was holding our grandchild. In the violence my son's hand was broken. The police did not lay charges, with this history of domestic violence (past suspended two year sentence) shouldn't he have been arrested, even if he had calmed down?
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March
11 Mar 2009
Hi Vic, My brother has just told me he's been hurting his wife and he doesn't know why he does it and how does he stop? I've never known my brother to be violent and he's not a big drinker. I'd love to be able to help him.
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04 Mar 2009
My partner of 20 years is abusive to me, both psychologically and physically - has happened for years and I have to admit I have been abusive to her physically. But you need to do what you have to do, when someone waves a knife around. My question is this - how the hell do I deal with it? To me, in the states she gets into - drug, alcohol wise - she is borderline mentally committable. Sober and on the way down or on the level, she is the person that I and our kids love. On the piss and the dak, we can well do without her.
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February
23 Feb 2009
Kia ora! Vic. I got a phone call today from a very upset kuia (elder woman), she has been beaten by her husband who is a very prominent kaumatua within our community and talks at a community level on mental health and wellbeing. My kuia is scared of getting help to stop the cycle because of the shame on herself and the position held by her husband.
Please advise what is the best cultural approach I could use to support our kuia. She was thrown out of her home six weeks ago and spent the night at the railway station, cold, hungry and humiliated. My kuia tried to commit suicide. How can I support her? How can I tell the kaumatua that ‘It is not OK'? Thank you.
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16 Feb 2009
How can I help my son who has an abusive partner? She continually puts him down, criticises, won't listen, she runs him down and then turns her abusive put downs to me as she sees me as the person to blame if not my son. I feel extremely humiliated, degraded and could not figure out why she would bring up my past to make her feel good. She says she does not deserve to be treated this way, constantly name calls, and never takes responsibility or consequences for her actions as she thinks she's okay to treat people that way. She is jealous of me and continually undermines my right as a Mother and says that I need to accept the fact that he has a family to care for now. She could not be so far from the truth, it's not about their relationship together, it's about what she is doing to him to control the relationship. Each day a little bit gets chipped away until one day he has nothing left - what right does she have to take away another person's mana? What can I do to help my son? She verbally abused me, brought up my past to put me down, then my son says to me, we are trying to work things out Mum, and don't have any problems with her okay, so what am I supposed to think? She has controlled his way of thinking that her way is the right way, there are no consequences for her actions - and I have to put up with it. Can you advise.
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11 Feb 2009
Hi Vic, I have just come out of a violent relationship and my partner wants me back and I am with a new partner and my ex wants me back and if I don't go back with him he will do something silly and he is trying to get custody of my kids and they are scared of him can you please give me some advice.
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02 Feb 2009
Hi Vic
I have lived through domestic violence two times, the latest one is from a marriage I now realise was a sham. I am going through immigration to have him deported which has been a very difficult decision, we have an almost 3 year old. There is no hope for me but I have three questions which I think you are the only person can answer and I believe the answers will help other women to save them from a lot of heartache and pain and suffering.
Q1: How does a woman know the man genuinely wants to change?
Q2: How can he prove it to her?
Q3: How will she know for sure he genuinely and is serious about changing?
Congratulations on your choices and changes and thank you for speaking out the way you are it takes a big man to do what you do (I wish my husband would have done the same).
God bless you.
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January
27 Jan 2009
Hi Vic
I tend to get jealous over small things my partner does, like when she talks to other guys or says she's going to hang out with other guys, I normally end up just staying jealous for hours and then when she asks what's wrong I just sit there and say nothing because I'm afraid of what her reaction will be, but when I do tell her what's wrong it normally ends in an argument and she tells me to leave the house. Most of the time I get violent, I don't like it, I start punching holes in the wall and hitting my head against walls and on the floor while we are screaming at each other. My partner has a 6 month old son who I accidentally scared while we were in the middle of an argument. I have also once held her up against the wall in anger because I get so angry and I just lose control...I don't mean to hurt my partner and her son, it's the last thing I want. I need help and I don't want my situation to get any worse.
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21 Jan 2009
Hi Vic. I have a bad temper. I don’t get violent, but I get very abusive. I don’t know why I get like this but I think it is the constant being run down and nagged by my wife. She does not pay the accounts etc and when I ask her why, it normally leads to an argument. Then I start swearing. After that I get rejected for weeks on end and that makes matters worse and the arguing starts again. What can I do? Regards, Kevin
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12 Jan 2009
Hi Vic
My partner used to beat me up when he gets drunk, my last beating I called the cops and they took him in and got him help. He attended some anger management course which helped him, but now he doesn't beat me up anymore but every time we argue he says mean things about me or uses my daughter against me saying one day he's gonna run away with her without me knowing and I'm so scared that I might make him mad and then he takes off with our daughter.
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