Ask Vic

Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.

I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.

Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.

At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.

Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.

I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?

Kia Ora. Thank you for writing in and wanting more wisdom and knowledge, tools and skills on your relationship with your ex partner and for the enhancement of your relationship together and with your bubba.

From what you have written, you and your partner have been through a lot together to end up in this ‘unhealthy relationship'.

It's ok that you acknowledge the part that you have played in your situation, acknowledging that family violence is not ok and that you are both on a path to bring about healing for yourself and your family.

The short answer to your question is YES you can get back together from an unhealthy relationship. It's a journey that you both must make individually and together. You must both address the violence and abuse that exists inside and get the help, tools, skills and communication techniques that you will need to call on when the violence and abuse raises its ugly head again.

The honeymoon can last as long as the two of you UNCOVER the ugliness DISCOVER the tools skills and communications to make it better and continue the healing process of RECOVERY.

Ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details of the local help agencies in your area. Join a stopping violence programme and finish the course and learn all there is to know about the curse of family violence and the wisdom to put an end to it in your life.

Your partner will need to do the same.

The journey is easier when you go through it together, BUT you have to do for yourself and if your partner does it for himself you will be equally yoked IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

All the best.

Vic.