Ask Vic

Vic has been violence free for many years and his children don’t use violence in their families, but it wasn’t always that way.

This week's question:

	Hi there, okay so my situation is I am a 20 yr old mother of a 10 month daughter and married. Ever since we got married last year my husband has started to be physically abusive towards me. It started off with pushing and shoving and then started leading to punching and throwing me around. It also happened on a couple of occasions while I was pregnant and while I was holding our child. He was arrested once for assaulting me in public because someone reported it. My friends and family knew about it and told me to report him for the safety of myself and our daughter but I always felt guilty about how the wife should be loyal and all that. He recently smashed the window with me and my daughter nearby. That was the last straw for me so I reported him. Now he's telling me it's all my fault now that he might do time because he's on parole at the moment. I guess my question is have I done the right thing?
	Hullo "20 yr old mother". I believe that you have done the right/rite thing. Typical of men: ‘you made me do it’ ‘it’s all your fault’ ‘now something bad is gonna happen to me’…..palleeezzzeeee. I had rung that number so many times!?!?!? It’s no one else’s fault but his own. TIME for him to grow some… and take responsibility for HIS actions. I blamed everyone, Mum and Dad, wife, kids, work, the boss, the police, the government, my low pay - everyone was to blame BUT ME. NAHH!!! It’s time for all families/whanau/fanau to now take that stand and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IT’S NOT OK, IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP. There is help for you and there is help for your partner, he has to stop crying about it and get the healing. And you have been loyal to him 'cos you want the REAL MAN! I was like him I did the same things, and no one could tell me what to do and it wasn’t till my wife and kids left me after I had badly bashed my 8 year old daughter, that I took responsibility. I want to help you but more so your partner. I know what he’s going through and all the frustration of not being able to say exactly what you want to say except by smashing, bashing, crashing and trashing. He can get the tools and the skills to handle the anger and violence by joining up with an anger management or stopping violence group in your area. Find a group by looking on this site or by ringing the 0800 number. That’s what I did and it saved ME and has kept my wife and family safe ever since I did the programme in 1991/2. I would love the op to talk to your partner and help him to get through this phase… man you guys are still young, so much living still to do as a violent free couple. Make your house a “Family Violence It’s not Ok” home. Please stay in touch. YOU DID THE RIGHT/RITE THING! Vic

Hi there, okay so my situation is I am a 20 yr old mother of a 10 month daughter and married. Ever since we got married last year my husband has started to be physically abusive towards me. It started off with pushing and shoving and then started leading to punching and throwing me around. It also happened on a couple of occasions while I was pregnant and while I was holding our child.

He was arrested once for assaulting me in public because someone reported it. My friends and family knew about it and told me to report him for the safety of myself and our daughter but I always felt guilty about how the wife should be loyal and all that.

He recently smashed the window with me and my daughter nearby. That was the last straw for me so I reported him. Now he's telling me it's all my fault now that he might do time because he's on parole at the moment. I guess my question is have I done the right thing?

Hullo "20 yr old mother".

I believe that you have done the right/rite thing.

Typical of men: ‘you made me do it’ ‘it’s all your fault’ ‘now something bad is gonna happen to me’…..palleeezzzeeee.

I had rung that number so many times!?!?!?

It’s no one else’s fault but his own. TIME for him to grow some… and take responsibility for HIS actions.

I blamed everyone, Mum and Dad, wife, kids, work, the boss, the police, the government, my low pay - everyone was to blame BUT ME.

NAHH!!! It’s time for all families/whanau/fanau to now take that stand and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

IT’S NOT OK, IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP.

There is help for you and there is help for your partner, he has to stop crying about it and get the healing.

And you have been loyal to him 'cos you want the REAL MAN!

I was like him I did the same things, and no one could tell me what to do and it wasn’t till my wife and kids left me after I had badly bashed my 8 year old daughter, that I took responsibility.

I want to help you but more so your partner.

I know what he’s going through and all the frustration of not being able to say exactly what you want to say except by smashing, bashing, crashing and trashing.

He can get the tools and the skills to handle the anger and violence by joining up with an anger management or stopping violence group in your area. Find a group by looking on this site or by ringing the 0800 number.

That’s what I did and it saved ME and has kept my wife and family safe ever since I did the programme in 1991/2.

I would love the op to talk to your partner and help him to get through this phase… man you guys are still young, so much living still to do as a violent free couple.

Make your house a “Family Violence It’s not Ok” home.

Please stay in touch.

YOU DID THE RIGHT/RITE THING!

Vic