Back to Ask Jude

08 Sep 2010
Hello Jude, for the last few years my partner and I have had terrible fights, which always result in him hitting me, breaking my things and being destructive. He says that he wouldn't do it if I wasn't so manipulative. I spend a lot of time questioning whether I am or not. We have two beautiful little girls together and he certainly doesn't hold back in front of them. He has hit me while I am holding them, tries to take them in the car during a fight. My main job is to protect them and I feel as though I am doing a terrible job. I have to be honest...he gets so irate that I am scared if we do split he might do something to the girls to hurt me. He knows they are my world. I must add he has never physically hurt the girls. Our sexual relationship is out the window. I have put on a lot of weight since having my babies and he says he is embarrassed to be seen in my company. Just after I had my second baby I found sexual text messages on his phone to another woman. When I confronted him he blamed me for not having sex with him and snapped my cell phone in half. Just recently I found a profile he had set up on an adult dating website looking for a discrete relationship. When I asked him he said again that it was because I don't have sex with him. I just don't feel attracted to him when he says the things he says and hits me. He is convinced that he only does this to me because I rub him the wrong way, that I hold grudges for too long. I am a degree qualified person who has chosen to stay home and raise my girls. I also work part time at nights, so I can do so. I am sick of hearing that I don't contribute and that I am the reason he can have cars, boats and all the finer things in life. I feel that there are far more important issues that need to be dealt with. I am not responsible for the way he acts in a fight- am I?

Thank you for your letter, for having the courage to write in and be so honest. I'd like to say to you right from the beginning that you are not responsible for the way your partner acts and behaves. It is his choice and his choice alone to use the behaviour he does. It is totally unacceptable on so many levels and you are not in any way to blame for it.

Let's talk first about the children. Even though you say he has never hit them unfortunately by them witnessing the violence he inflicts on you and them being in your arms while he has hit you, not only puts them at possible risk of being physically hurt but it is also going to affect them emotionally and psychologically and change them.

The effects of witnessing this violence may not surface straight away but it will surface at some time in some way. Children who witness family violence are affected by it, so it's bigger than us thinking that because they are not directly on the end of the abuse, they're ok and that they are alright. They are not!! So I'm so pleased you are acknowledging the issues you are facing because it is not just about you but your children as well.

You sound like an amazing woman and mother who obviously cares greatly for her children and who is committed to giving them the best she can, hence working at night so you can be at home with them during the day. That is so amazing. I'd like to say to you that you do not deserve to be abused the way you have described. Having gained weight after having two babies does not justify your partner's actions regarding text messages to another woman and having a dating profile on an adult website. These actions do not portray a loving respectful relationship. I'm not sure what you want to do in regards to the future so may I suggest that you make contact with one of the many organisations and agencies from your local area who work with women experiencing situations like yourself and ask to talk to a counsellor and share what is happening with you. They will then make suggestions to you about what they can offer, not only you but your children as well, and.... if your partner was willing and ready to take responsibility for his own actions, then what they could offer him as well.

Not only do they have one on one counselling, but there's counselling for the children and couples and also programmes available to support, uplift and empower and help people through these difficult times. Relationship Services may be a good place to start or you could ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and find out what else is available in your location.

I hear your concerns about if you left and what you fear he may do to the children to get back at you but please know there are laws in place to protect the children and you. If you ring an agency this is something that you could discuss with them and they will advise you of what is available to you. You could also ring a family court lawyer or the women's refuge and talk to them about this concern and your fears. There are protection orders, parental orders, trespass orders, all available to you to help keep you and your family safe.

I would also like to suggest that you have a safety plan in place for you and your children. This is a plan that you have set in place if your partner becomes violent and you need to get out. Is there family or friends you can talk to and let them know what is happening and who will not judge you but just be there for you and support you and help you if you need it. Someone you can go to with the children if need be. Have their number memorised on your phone, have some money put away, put your important documents together and in a place where you can get to them easily, have a spare set of keys made.

I would just like to finish off by saying that you do not deserve to be abused, it is not OK!! You are worth so much more than that, please believe that. I wish you all the very best.

Jude.


Other Ask Jude Questions

02 Feb 2012
Dear Jude. I have neighbours who fight at least once a day. Their bedroom is about three metres away from our bedroom and they constantly wake us with their fighting. I find it really traumatic as we have a young son who hears all of it. They also fight at night and it's often hard to put my son to bed. They have two sons, 1.5 years and two months old. The children cry when they fight. Sometimes the fight spills out into the street. I don't want to get involved with these people but I fear for the children. I told my husband the next time they fight, I'm calling the cops. I just want to know what I can do.... Read the answer

25 Jan 2012
Hi Jude, I was hoping I could find someone to talk to. I am 20 years old and have been with my partner since I was 14 and he is now 27. I have had two kids to him under five, and it's just been a rollercoaster. He is a very heavy drinker and is forever just leaving and not saying anything. I have had cops come to my old house in the past with him verbally abusing me when he was drunk. I thought it would stop but it's just gotten worse. My oldest son often says his dad's mean or very angry. My partner has made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and has even recently cheated on me. Our arguments got really bad sometimes, I would be scared for me and my kids. I moved out two weeks ago but only live five minutes from his house with my family, but it's very crowded and me and the kids are sleeping in the lounge. The kids are happier. The dad had a new girlfriend the day I moved out and I'm getting abused over text messages and him telling lies to all our friends. I now feel afraid to stay where I am as they both live down the road. I just want a new start, a new life. I want to be happy again and to give my kids the life and happiness they deserve because they haven't had it at all. I never asked to be a victim but I am and I'm reaching out for advice. ... Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude. ... Read the answer

Ask Jude Archive