21 Jan 2009
Hi Jude. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years - the first since my marriage broke up 8 years ago (due to domestic violence).
Me and my new partner have only recently started sharing a home together but before that would spend quite a bit of time together. After we had been seeing each other for about 2 years, I discovered that he had inappropriately touched my 13- year-old daughter a few times and just last week I discovered he had been a bit inappropriate with my 10-year-old daughter, again in the early days of our relationship.
I went to the police as soon as I found out about him touching my older daughter but they didn't really encourage me to do anything about it (to my horror they didn't even take down details - though asked for a name). I didn't see my 'partner' for a month. He admitted he had been inappropriate and was really sorry and ashamed, and promised it was in the past.
I let him back into my life (but keeping my daughters at a distance or not with me when I saw him). I do believe he is different now, that his past actions were due to his family background. He is very good to me and seeks to be active in my family’s life, but my daughters and son have some reservations. We bought a property together a few years ago, that is why I have now moved in with him (financial) - but do families remain together if there has been some inappropriate behaviour (not at the severest level) and how do they move on positively from that - or am I really off-track ... ?
<>I think families can stay together after experiences such as yours but I know that it takes more than the person saying that he is sorry and ashamed to fix the problem. I think it also takes more than us as partners believing that they are different now.
The biggest concern is obviously your children, your daughters. They may be safe now but there are always effects from abuse, any kind of abuse, and the fact is they were sexually abused. Have they seen anyone to help them deal with what happened??? This experience cannot be minimised and because it may (or may not) be occurring now and because they may seem "OK" does not mean it is over.
Another question, has your partner sought help? How has he gone from using this behaviour to not using it? <> <>
I think we have to look at our priorities in situations such as this and what must take priority at all times is our children. It is our responsibility to protect them and to ensure that they are safe. What is the message given to our children when we take these men back into our lives after they have violated our children? Do they grow up thinking that the man is more important than them?
Have you talked to your daughters about what happened, how they feel about this man moving back in? If this man is as sorry as he says and loves you and your family, he will be willing to do whatever it takes to work through this problem and take responsibility for his actions. Then, after receiving the right help (as well as your children) you may very well be able to unite your family in a healthy and loving way.
Jude
Other Ask Jude Questions
16 May 2012Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.... Read the answer
08 May 2012
Hey Jude, I'm sitting here contemplating whether to call the help line or even the cops. My partner of five years has just assaulted me in front of the kids, I am terrified as to how far he can go. I hesitate to get authorities involved due to the fact that we have two children both under the age of 7 and the eldest is mine from a previous relationship, so he's told me in past arguments that if I ever left him or we broke up he would take my daughter and I love my kids so I would never want to hurt them or put them through hell over custody battles if it came to that.
However after his attack on me in front of them I now realise we already are hurting them and I don't want my babies raised like this but I refuse to be a result from a broken family so I am stuck - literally I can't breathe and am too afraid to do anything like leave him which is what I always think of doing but to who? My support system is not in this country and I am terrified to fly. I don't want to bother family I do have here - more like I am too ashamed to admit we have problems. His own family if I got them involved would tell us to deal with it ourselves. I'm so ashamed to call the cops and I feel trapped, I'm always stressed and so unhappy.
Most of our arguments are over a stupid Xbox game that he's constantly on. I'm left to do all the work and his excuse is that he works all day. I work part time because I am studying, he is so not supportive of my study and always puts me down. Yeah I tend to fuel some of our arguments but it takes two to have children and raise a family, I feel like both mum and dad and I'm so worn out I have no life in me. I don't care how I look anymore, what I wear, nor do I have time for myself so why bother he's got so many threats that involve our daughter about taking her away, if I leave how am I supposed to do anything without harming my children? I always tell him he's the one killing me, I am always sick, stressed and his reckless driving will cause us an accident that will result in grave circumstances. I'm so lost, tired, emotionally drained, I'm literally drowning in my relationship. Please help I don't know what to do!
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Dear Jude, my sister is stuck in an abusive relationship and I fear for her safety and the safety of her son (12 months). How can I get help for them? ... Read the answer
Ask Vic
Vic is now violence free but it wasn't always that way. Ask his advice or read his responses to others.
Ask Jude
Jude is a survivor of family violence. Ask her a question or read her responses to others.
As a young Samoan boy I was always beaten and verbally abused and that’s where I think it started. Being abused and seeing it around me, I grew up thinking that was how you were supposed to do things.
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