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27 Jul 2010
Hi, I'm no longer confused, I know my husband abused me although not physically. It's control, emotional, and mental and he intimidates me and our four children. I'm wanting to end our 13 year marriage, I'm no longer in love with him, I have tried to leave him four times, he just won't let me leave, he thinks he can make me fall in love with him again. My question is what the hell do I do?

Thank you for your letter and good on you for writing in. It's so good that you have clearly identified that you are being abused. Often we only think we are being abused when it is physical and there are signs of physical abuse like bruises or cuts.

The types of abuse you have mentioned have no tangible evidence attached to them but they are very real and sometimes more damaging than physical abuse. We also now know for a fact that children who witness family violence - in any form - even indirectly (being in another room) can affect them so good on you for thinking of them as well.

It is a huge decision for all and there will be a lot to do but with the right help and support it can be done. It may be that, if he won't leave, you and the children may have to temporarily. Do you have anywhere you could go that could offer a supportive environment? There is the women's refuge in your local area who you could give a call and explain your situation and what you want to happen. It may be that you and the children have to go and stay there temporarily. The staff there are trained to help families in situations like yours and they have established relationships with many agencies in the community to assist those very families.

You may need to consider taking out a protection order. This will stop your husband having access to you in any way, physically or by phone. The staff at the refuge will be able to give you all the specific details about this order. They will also be able to advise you of everything that is available to you in regards to the legal side of things - your children, custody - finances (Work and Income) , Housing New Zealand (if necessary) and any other assistance you may need.

Perhaps the first thing you could do is ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and find the number to the women's refuge in your area, gather all the information they will give you and then you can make an informed decision of what to do next. Doing this on our own is just sometimes too difficult and we need help which is available to you if you choose to take it.
Surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive and will be there for you. There is also counselling available to you and your children. Our information line can help you with this also.

There are also many agencies that offer programmes to help build us and uplift us after we have been through experiences like you have described which might be something to consider. These programmes not only help build our self esteem but it's good to be in groups sometimes to be able to share with others who have had similar experiences, often a lot of good strong friendships come from these groups. I wish you all the very very best.

Jude.

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25 Jan 2012
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18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude. ... Read the answer

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