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24 Jun 2010

Hi,
I am ashamed to say that in the past I lashed out violently at my eldest son when he was a child and am worried about the effect my abuse has had on him. He is now a quiet, withdrawn adult who has problems with his social skills, low self esteem and weight gain. I got out of the relationship which was initiating my anger problems, went to anger management and have humbly begged my son's forgiveness, especially as he was not a naughty child. He cried when I asked his forgiveness and I will never forgive myself for making him so unhappy and the impact it had on his young life. He doesn't seem to have moved on and I was wondering if there were any support groups, or counsellors he could contact to help sort these things out for him. I am worried he will drag it around forever.

Hello,
Thank you so much for your question. I have the upmost respect for you and the honesty you have shown and I applaud you for getting out of the abusive relationship, seeking help and then going to your son and asking for his forgiveness. You are amazing and it's at this point that I'd like to say that please don't beat yourself up for what has happened in the past.

I, like you, subjected my two youngest children to witnessing and being part of abusive relationships, not realising the impact it was having on them. For me, I was doing the best that I could at the time, with what I had and where I was and unfortunately our children can and often do pay the price for that. However isn't it more about what we do from this point on because we both know we cannot change the past?

Your son is an adult and you can only suggest places he can get help and offer as much support, encouragement and love as you possibly can. It is important that he know that you are there for him and in an unconditional state with absolutely no hidden agendas at all. It is important that he know that your wanting him to get help is entirely about him and has nothing to do with making you feel better about the past. Continue to show him through your actions how much you love him and continue to show him the "different" you. Show him how you live now, what is acceptable in your life and what isn't and how you have worked at dealing with your anger issues and have applied that to your living now.

Sometimes, when our children have grown up and are now adults we can only role model how we are and how things are. As adults they have to initiate help themselves. Some of my children are struggling and I know what can help but unfortunately they have to come to that realisation on their own and all I can do in the meantime is love them and be there for them and wait for them to step up and ask for help.

There are many social service agencies that provide counselling and programmes that may help your son so you may want to ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and find the ones in your location and give them a call and share what your concerns are and ask their advice. They will tell you what is available and where to go if they cannot support you.

There is help available if your son wants it, please know that, it's just getting your son to want to and then to action it. I wish you all the very best for you and your son.
Jude


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