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12 May 2010
I'm doing the Mahi Ora programme and read your book, except for the kids I thought I was reading my life story. It made me cry. My question to you is this, how did you manage to get off the alcohol and drugs? I came off heroin and went on methadone but cannot shake the alcohol. I'm 27 and have done detox seven times. How did you do it? You have made me want to do better and when you know better you do better right? I'd be so grateful to hear from you.

Hey, how lovely to receive your letter. Thank you so much for your kind words, and you will get there too, please believe that. It's not easy and what works for one person doesn't necessarily mean it will work for another. It truly is an individual thing. What we can do is try what we have seen work for others and maybe it will work for us too. Just knowing something unfortunately doesn't always mean it's going to happen for us right away.

It is also about timing. We all will make shifts and changes in our lives when it is the exact right time for us. You have done so amazingly well to have achieved what you have and I am so very proud of you. For me, for some reason that I don't know, stopping the drugs and alcohol was not a serious issue for me. What I did was I slowly weaned myself off them and went on a day by day basis. At first some days were easier than others, some days were a total disaster. But I was determined to change my life and I just kept going and eventually I got to a point where I stopped using.

I was hugely motivated by the fact that I knew I had to turn my life around or there were a number of things that I knew would happen to me, one being that I would end up back in jail and this time I would not get out, another being that I would end up back in another abusive relationship and another that I would end up being murdered as a result of that relationship. All these things I had experienced in some way but I knew without a doubt that something "not good" would happen to me if I didn't take responsibility for my life and take charge and make some changes. It wasn't easy, in fact it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life but it was the best thing I have ever done. So, please don't be too hard on yourself, feel proud of what you have accomplished so far.

Surround yourself with positive people who will speak into you and help you keep focused and will support and encourage you. Be mindful of the situations you put yourself in. Where there is a lot of drinking and drugs it would be good to try and avoid those places until you are in a position of strength where you can say "no" and be able to stand firm in that. Choose carefully who you hang out with.

You may like to consider going to support groups and there will be a number of them locally in your area, you can ring 0800 456 450 to find out what's available in your community. They are there to help you, this is what they do, and they would be so willing to support you at this time. If you like reading maybe you could go to the library and get some books on positive thinking and books that will help keep you motivated and focused. Please don't give up, you have come so far and often it's when we are so close that we stop. I wish you all the very best.

Jude

Other Ask Jude Questions

02 Feb 2012
Dear Jude. I have neighbours who fight at least once a day. Their bedroom is about three metres away from our bedroom and they constantly wake us with their fighting. I find it really traumatic as we have a young son who hears all of it. They also fight at night and it's often hard to put my son to bed. They have two sons, 1.5 years and two months old. The children cry when they fight. Sometimes the fight spills out into the street. I don't want to get involved with these people but I fear for the children. I told my husband the next time they fight, I'm calling the cops. I just want to know what I can do.... Read the answer

25 Jan 2012
Hi Jude, I was hoping I could find someone to talk to. I am 20 years old and have been with my partner since I was 14 and he is now 27. I have had two kids to him under five, and it's just been a rollercoaster. He is a very heavy drinker and is forever just leaving and not saying anything. I have had cops come to my old house in the past with him verbally abusing me when he was drunk. I thought it would stop but it's just gotten worse. My oldest son often says his dad's mean or very angry. My partner has made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and has even recently cheated on me. Our arguments got really bad sometimes, I would be scared for me and my kids. I moved out two weeks ago but only live five minutes from his house with my family, but it's very crowded and me and the kids are sleeping in the lounge. The kids are happier. The dad had a new girlfriend the day I moved out and I'm getting abused over text messages and him telling lies to all our friends. I now feel afraid to stay where I am as they both live down the road. I just want a new start, a new life. I want to be happy again and to give my kids the life and happiness they deserve because they haven't had it at all. I never asked to be a victim but I am and I'm reaching out for advice. ... Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude. ... Read the answer

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