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03 May 2010
Hi, I'm currently struggling with a very bad relationship that I've been in for almost 20 years. From where I sit, I feel that we are no good for each other, yet every attempt to leave has resulted in me going back to this relationship because I have nowhere else to go and I have three children that I am responsible for. Are you able to point me in the right direction to find support so that I can start again?

Thank you for your question, good on you for writing in and asking for advice. I know how difficult it can be for any of us to leave a relationship at any time especially with children but even more so when you don't have support and anywhere to go. This influences the decision to go back even though we know in our hearts it probably isn't the best move.

There are a number of agencies who can help you so please know you are not alone and help is out there for you. If you ring our information line on 0800 456 450 they will give you a list of agencies in your area that can help you. There are social service agencies who have trained social workers and counsellors who would be able to help you. They will talk with you, find out what your needs are and where they can best help and support you and walk you through this time. Many agencies offer counselling for children, for the family or for individuals like yourself, so the whole family is being supported and helped through this time. They may also offer programmes you can attend that can help uplift and empower you to help you gain strength to make positive decisions for you and your children.

Often these programmes can be a great source of support because through them you get to meet other women who are going through similar situations and many times wonderful connections and friendships are formed as a result of attending. Also because your children have obviously witnessed things over the 20 year period it may be that some counselling be done with you and them to help you all come to terms with how things have been. It is important to know that the people who work in this field do it with no judgement, no blame, no telling you what you have to do, should or shouldnt do, they simply support you and encourage you and help you through your difficult time.

There is also the Women's Refuge who are a wonderful support and can help you in so many ways. They will have information and advice and connections with other agencies who will also be able to help you, they are listed under W in the white pages of the phone book. You could possibly even go and stay there and they will help you in the process of restarting somewhere else. They are a phone call away and will be only too happy to assist you. This is what they do, this is what they are there for. Some Refuges offer group and individual education and support as well and for the ones who don't there will be local agencies they could refer you to as I mentioned earlier.

I wish you all the very best.

Jude


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02 Feb 2012
Dear Jude. I have neighbours who fight at least once a day. Their bedroom is about three metres away from our bedroom and they constantly wake us with their fighting. I find it really traumatic as we have a young son who hears all of it. They also fight at night and it's often hard to put my son to bed. They have two sons, 1.5 years and two months old. The children cry when they fight. Sometimes the fight spills out into the street. I don't want to get involved with these people but I fear for the children. I told my husband the next time they fight, I'm calling the cops. I just want to know what I can do.... Read the answer

25 Jan 2012
Hi Jude, I was hoping I could find someone to talk to. I am 20 years old and have been with my partner since I was 14 and he is now 27. I have had two kids to him under five, and it's just been a rollercoaster. He is a very heavy drinker and is forever just leaving and not saying anything. I have had cops come to my old house in the past with him verbally abusing me when he was drunk. I thought it would stop but it's just gotten worse. My oldest son often says his dad's mean or very angry. My partner has made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and has even recently cheated on me. Our arguments got really bad sometimes, I would be scared for me and my kids. I moved out two weeks ago but only live five minutes from his house with my family, but it's very crowded and me and the kids are sleeping in the lounge. The kids are happier. The dad had a new girlfriend the day I moved out and I'm getting abused over text messages and him telling lies to all our friends. I now feel afraid to stay where I am as they both live down the road. I just want a new start, a new life. I want to be happy again and to give my kids the life and happiness they deserve because they haven't had it at all. I never asked to be a victim but I am and I'm reaching out for advice. ... Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude. ... Read the answer

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