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05 Dec 2008
Hi Jude, My sister-in-law has been abused by my brother for many years now. He has been through an anger management course and while he has shown signs of becoming more aware of himself he does not seem to have changed a heck of a lot. I'm wondering what support people should remember in their approach to women who are in this situation. I find it is easy to get frustrated with her and lose patience after hearing the same old stories over and over again. It is the children I worry about.

We must remember at all times, whether it be family or a friend or work client that we are all on our own personal journey that can only be done in our time and in our way. It is a process.

Telling a person what to do, giving unlimited amounts of advice, threatening them, disassociating yourself from them, will not help.

This is the time to support them, encourage them, love them, guide them.

Unfortunately this can be very frustrating as we can see the potential for innocent children/people to get hurt. We have to build a relationship with this person based on love, non-judgement, understanding and kindness. When we have done this it becomes a relationship with a strong foundation of trust.

Once you have a relationship built on trust you can talk to them about the children, and about how they are feeling. Then the time will come when you can say "Ok let's go and get someone to help".

I know for me this is the only way I would have let someone anywhere near me. If they had come at me telling what to do, how to do it or threatened me I wouldn't have listened I would have just turned my back and continued doing what I was doing.

As for violent partners, the same principle applies to them. They have to come to a place where they are ready to address this issue and take responsibility for their actions and then do something about it.

Usually there will be a trigger: sometimes the woman will leave with the children, he may hurt the woman or children more severely than before.

What made your brother go and do an anger management course before? Could he be reminded of the reasons? Perhaps you can find out what support, programmes, courses are available for him. If you aren't the one to be able to share this information then maybe find someone who can.

Children who are experiencing family violence need someone they will talk to and someone they trust. If you are this person then spending as much time as possible with them is so important. Visit them as often as you can, let them know you are there for them no matter what time of the day or night.

If someone is in danger you need to contact the Police. To find out about helping services in your community, phone 0800 456 450.

Jude


Other Ask Jude Questions

16 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.... Read the answer

08 May 2012
Hey Jude, I'm sitting here contemplating whether to call the help line or even the cops. My partner of five years has just assaulted me in front of the kids, I am terrified as to how far he can go. I hesitate to get authorities involved due to the fact that we have two children both under the age of 7 and the eldest is mine from a previous relationship, so he's told me in past arguments that if I ever left him or we broke up he would take my daughter and I love my kids so I would never want to hurt them or put them through hell over custody battles if it came to that.

However after his attack on me in front of them I now realise we already are hurting them and I don't want my babies raised like this but I refuse to be a result from a broken family so I am stuck - literally I can't breathe and am too afraid to do anything like leave him which is what I always think of doing but to who? My support system is not in this country and I am terrified to fly. I don't want to bother family I do have here - more like I am too ashamed to admit we have problems. His own family if I got them involved would tell us to deal with it ourselves. I'm so ashamed to call the cops and I feel trapped, I'm always stressed and so unhappy.

Most of our arguments are over a stupid Xbox game that he's constantly on. I'm left to do all the work and his excuse is that he works all day. I work part time because I am studying, he is so not supportive of my study and always puts me down. Yeah I tend to fuel some of our arguments but it takes two to have children and raise a family, I feel like both mum and dad and I'm so worn out I have no life in me. I don't care how I look anymore, what I wear, nor do I have time for myself so why bother he's got so many threats that involve our daughter about taking her away, if I leave how am I supposed to do anything without harming my children? I always tell him he's the one killing me, I am always sick, stressed and his reckless driving will cause us an accident that will result in grave circumstances. I'm so lost, tired, emotionally drained, I'm literally drowning in my relationship. Please help I don't know what to do!

... Read the answer

01 May 2012
Dear Jude, my sister is stuck in an abusive relationship and I fear for her safety and the safety of her son (12 months). How can I get help for them? ... Read the answer

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