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It is obviously going to be a difficult time especially if he comes back with the same response from previous times and "he tells you he has nowhere to go" and because of the fear you have of him the request for him to leave is going to be difficult and possibly dangerous. Therefore it is imperative that you do what you have to do in the safest way and I believe gathering information and advice first then putting a plan into place is a good way to go.

You could talk to the Police and tell them of your past experiences and tell them what you are planning to do and ask for their assistance. You could also apply for a protection order which will mean your partner cannot have contact with you in any way, he cannot come to your physical address, he cannot phone or text you, he cannot come within a certain distance of you without your permission. If he breaches the protection order you just call the Police and they will come and deal with him immediately.

You could also ring the Women's Refuge in your area and tell them of your situation and they will be able to help you and advise you of things you could do. They will also have a list of people and phone numbers from various agencies who can help you that you could ring.

Please remember the most important thing to do is to keep yourself and your baby safe. May I ask if the home you are living in is your own, is it both of yours, is it a rental and if it is whose name is it under? The reason I'm asking is because in your question you don't mention that you want to leave, but that you want him to leave but in all situations like this there are various other things that have to be taken into consideration when one party won't leave. If it is a joint home then that changes things and can make things a little more difficult, if it is a rental under your name that changes things again, in your favour. You could then inform the Police that it is your home and you want this man to leave and if he won't they will assist him in doing that and you can then take out a trespass order against him where he cannot come on to your property. Do you have a supportive family and friends that could perhaps come and stay with you when you ask this man to leave?

I truly believe the best thing any of us can do in a situation like yours is to gather information and advice and then devise a plan. Have things in place for when you are ready to tell him to go. It is often better to do this when the situation is calm rather than heated as when it's heated it has the potential to get out of hand.

There is one other option which I don't know if it is a possibility or not, but that is for you to leave with baby while he is at work. The Women's Refuge could help you with a place to stay as a temporary measure while you sort things out. Again if you have family or friends maybe you could go there (if of course it is safe for you and for them).

Finally you can ring our information line on 0800456 450 and find out what other types of help are available in your community. There are lots of organisations that help people in situations like yours and also help men to change if they decide to get help for their behaviour.

Jude.

Other Ask Jude Questions

02 Feb 2012
Dear Jude. I have neighbours who fight at least once a day. Their bedroom is about three metres away from our bedroom and they constantly wake us with their fighting. I find it really traumatic as we have a young son who hears all of it. They also fight at night and it's often hard to put my son to bed. They have two sons, 1.5 years and two months old. The children cry when they fight. Sometimes the fight spills out into the street. I don't want to get involved with these people but I fear for the children. I told my husband the next time they fight, I'm calling the cops. I just want to know what I can do.... Read the answer

25 Jan 2012
Hi Jude, I was hoping I could find someone to talk to. I am 20 years old and have been with my partner since I was 14 and he is now 27. I have had two kids to him under five, and it's just been a rollercoaster. He is a very heavy drinker and is forever just leaving and not saying anything. I have had cops come to my old house in the past with him verbally abusing me when he was drunk. I thought it would stop but it's just gotten worse. My oldest son often says his dad's mean or very angry. My partner has made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and has even recently cheated on me. Our arguments got really bad sometimes, I would be scared for me and my kids. I moved out two weeks ago but only live five minutes from his house with my family, but it's very crowded and me and the kids are sleeping in the lounge. The kids are happier. The dad had a new girlfriend the day I moved out and I'm getting abused over text messages and him telling lies to all our friends. I now feel afraid to stay where I am as they both live down the road. I just want a new start, a new life. I want to be happy again and to give my kids the life and happiness they deserve because they haven't had it at all. I never asked to be a victim but I am and I'm reaching out for advice. ... Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude. ... Read the answer

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