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03 Mar 2010
Hi Jude, my husband of three years has an anger management problem. He often deals with relatively small problems in a loud, abusive way. He swears a lot and breaks things. Recently he threw a box at me which hit my arm really hard. We have a two year old and I am eight months pregnant. I don't want to leave him because I don't believe that will improve our situation, and when he isn't angry life is really great.

I want to know how to convince him to get help. He takes any suggestion of a counsellor or an anger management course as an attack on his pride I think. I am not really worried about myself, I don't feel unsafe (just unloved) but I don't want my children growing up thinking it is ok to disrespect their mother. Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince someone they should get help?

Thank you for your question and having the courage to write in. It's not an easy thing to do, so well done!!! I hear what you are saying and I know how difficult it can be to address an issue with someone who won't accept that they have a problem. This is even more difficult when it comes to our men and when it becomes a ‘male pride' thing.

The It's not OK campaign has addressed this very issue and have used men in the campaign who in their past seemed to be very much like your husband.

The fact that you don't want to leave limits your options but I'm sure you know that something must be done not only for yourself but for your two year old and your new baby. For him to throw a box at you at any time is unacceptable and even more so when you are pregnant. It's not OK - it's abuse.

We do know that partner abuse usually gets worse over time - the violence becomes more severe and violent incidents become more frequent.

Your children are witnessing this abusive behaviour and it will be affecting them in some way. Research now tells us that children who witness family violence (even just hearing it from another room, even in the womb) are affected by it so you are right to be concerned about them and sadly it goes far deeper than them having no respect for their mothers. I'm sure your husband wants the very best for his children and perhaps if he knows that his behaviour is affecting his children he will want to make some changes.

At the very end of the day unfortunately we cannot make anybody do something they don't want to do. If your husband will not take responsibility and step up and admit that he has an anger problem and that he is abusing his family and is willing to seek help then you can't force him to. It will then become a matter of what are you going to do about the situation. There are many professional people who are trained to work with people to help with issues like this, they are very very good and want to help but again can only do so if the client is willing. There is couple counselling, counselling for individuals, counselling for children, counselling for families, and anger management programmes for men, so help is available, it is a matter of will your husband accept it.

I suggest that you contact the It's not OK information line on 0800 456 450 and find out what is available for you and your family in your community.

You could also look at the resources on this website and see if any of the booklets the Campaign has produced would be helpful. They can be ordered on the website and are free.

Is there anybody, friend or family member, who your husband respects and sees as a role model that you could talk to and share what is happening and ask them to talk with your husband, if this feels safe for you.

I wish you all very best not only with this situation but with your new baby as well.

Jude.


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