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12 Feb 2010

Hi Jude

My partner and I argue a lot. We had a six month break because of him hitting and hurting me. He promised he wouldn't again, he used to feel bad and always wish he didn't, then he had a head injury a few months ago and he hurts me a lot and if things don't go his way or I wind him up then he will get angry. I love him and know he loves me but I want to know how to stop him - maybe counselling? I don't want to be told just to leave him because I'm sick of hearing that, it's not going to work, if he gets a new partner then he will hurt her. I think it may have to do with the way his father used to treat his mother. He says he never witnessed it but his mother says different, his family knows about him hurting me and they think it's wrong, please help me or give me some advice to help him. Thank you.



Thank you for your question. Well done for writing in. Good on you for having the courage to accept that you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.

Family Violence is not OK and is not acceptable in any way. I hear what you are saying when you say that your partner feels bad after he has hurt you and wishes he hadn't and I'm sure he does, but what has to happen from there if he is truly sorry and remorseful like he says, is he needs to take responsibility and be prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Your partner having a head injury does change things slightly but definitely does not justify him abusing you. You suggested in your letter ‘maybe counselling' and I think this is a great suggestion. Does your partner have a case manager through the hospital who you may be able to talk to about your situation?

There are also a number of services in all locations who have counsellors who can help with situations like yours. They are trained professionals who can work with you as a couple and/or individually. If you would like to ring 0800 456 450 you can find out all the agencies in your particular area who you could then contact and talk to about your situation.

The answer is not always to ‘just leave'. Some relationships can be worked through (if both parties are willing) and go on to have a healthy future together free of violence and from what I hear from you, you want to try and work through these issues. Is there a male role model you know of within your circle of family and friends who may be able to talk to your partner without judgement?

You could also order booklets from this website for your partner to look at. These are non-threatening and show examples of men from all walks of life who were once perpetrators of violence and have now turned their lives around - so it can be done!! The key is though, that the person has to be willing and committed to change.

I wish you all the very very best.

Jude.


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