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28 Jan 2010
I have been in a violent relationship for too long. I am originally from Zimbabwe but got permanent residence here, when we first arrived I noticed my husband had changed so much, that's when I discovered that he was using internet dating. When I confronted him he became abusive and hit me in front of the kids, with punches and kicks. I did not report this incident to anyone, he apologised for this, but we have ongoing arguments all the time. He uses a lot of online dating, he does not help me fully financially to support our three children, he is abusive, constantly calling me stupid and dull, he belittles me because I work as a care giver, he takes away the car keys every time we argue leaving me with no means of transport, he takes away the ATM card (which he gave to me a few months ago) so I do not have access to funds. I do work but only weekends cause I have a small baby, he also has big anger management issues, always blaming everyone around him, making himself appear superior all the time. I have enrolled for my nursing degree to start next year, cause I feel we won't last long. I need to secure myself, how can I get help so that me and my husband are counselled, if this fails then I will call for divorce.

Thank you for your question, well done for taking the first step of acknowledging you have a serious problem and then writing in and asking for help. It's not an easy thing to do and it takes a lot of courage, so again, well done!!

A lot of what you have said clearly shows acts of abuse in various forms, which is totally unacceptable. I suggest you go to your local doctor's or Community Centre, or Women's Refuge and ask for brochures and information on family violence, or, if it's safe, look on the internet. This will give examples of abuse in the various forms for example, from something you have said, "he takes away the car keys and the ATM card" - that is emotional abuse.

You have mentioned the possibility of you and your husband having counselling to help resolve the issues you are facing in your relationship but my question is would your husband be willing to go to counselling? Does he accept that he has a problem? If he does, then that is wonderful and I suggest you ring 0800 456 450 and find out what is available in your area.

If you decide to phone up one of the services, they will tell you what they can provide and then it will be your decision on how you would like to proceed. The people at these agencies are professional and specialised and work without any judgment so don't be afraid to share what you have been going through. They will not judge you. A lot of agencies offer counselling for couples as well as for individuals which may be a good option for you.

There are many services which offer help and support for children too. Children witnessing family violence, watching their mother (or anyone) being hit, punched, kicked and any other form of abuse, it does have an effect on the child. Just because they may not be directly on the receiving end of the abuse does not mean that they are not being affected by what they have seen and heard. It does impact them and it changes who they are!!! So it may be that your children may need to see a counsellor to help them deal with what they have witnessed in their home.

If your husband does not accept that there is a problem and that he needs help, then I suggest you still continue to make contact with an agency and get some counselling and advice and support for yourself and your children and from there I believe you will make the necessary decisions to ensure the health and wellbeing of your children and yourself.

I wish you all the very very best.


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