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The first and foremost was FEAR! Fear of what my partner(s) would do to me if I left and especially if I left with our baby. I was often told that if I left and took baby they would find me and kill me. Because I had firsthand witnessed their violence and knew that this was a very real threat I took them seriously and when you have been violated and terrified beyond words by these men, again, you take their threats very very seriously, enough that you are so scared you stay.

To stay meant I would still be abused but there was a lesser chance of being killed than if I left.
Another reason was FEAR of stepping out into a world all by myself and having to start again. If I left I would have to leave with no money, no possessions. I'd have nowhere to live, I'd have to go to lawyers and get custody sorted out, I'd have to find a house and what about bonds and things, I'd have to get power sorted. It was huge!!

And having to go and see so many people and have to tell all of them my story was also daunting. What would they think of me? Would they look down at me? I believed they would so not only was this a huge decision to make it was also about the SHAME of my life and who I was.
Another reason was, even though I was in a relationship where I was being abused regularly in all ways, in a bizarre way, it did give me a place of belonging, a place to be, something to be part of. If I left I had no-one.
Another reason I stayed was because I believed I deserved to be abused. I had no self esteem, no self worth or self value so I lived in a world of abuse because I believed I could never have anything better, that this was my lot. Who would want someone like me? And what about the children? Shouldn't they grow up with their Dad in their lives?? Was I being fair to take them away from him??

It's not until you get to a point that, even with all of the above, you have had enough and you want out and you are prepared to do whatever you have to to get out, even the risk of death will not keep you there. It can also be when you get to a place that somehow maybe through someone you start to believe that you may in fact deserve better and you want more.

Until these things happen or maybe there could be another trigger and there is a shift in your thinking, you may find that it is too much to even consider leaving, but there is a lot of support out there so all the things I have mentioned please know there are services with wonderful people to help you through every one of these issues.

It's a matter of asking for help. Asking the right person (if you don't get the responses that you want and need keep asking or ask someone else until you get someone who will support you in the way you need). Please know that it won't be easy but you can do it and you do deserve to have the best in life. No-one deserves to be abused in any way - ever!!

Jude

Other Ask Jude Questions

16 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.... Read the answer

08 May 2012
Hey Jude, I'm sitting here contemplating whether to call the help line or even the cops. My partner of five years has just assaulted me in front of the kids, I am terrified as to how far he can go. I hesitate to get authorities involved due to the fact that we have two children both under the age of 7 and the eldest is mine from a previous relationship, so he's told me in past arguments that if I ever left him or we broke up he would take my daughter and I love my kids so I would never want to hurt them or put them through hell over custody battles if it came to that.

However after his attack on me in front of them I now realise we already are hurting them and I don't want my babies raised like this but I refuse to be a result from a broken family so I am stuck - literally I can't breathe and am too afraid to do anything like leave him which is what I always think of doing but to who? My support system is not in this country and I am terrified to fly. I don't want to bother family I do have here - more like I am too ashamed to admit we have problems. His own family if I got them involved would tell us to deal with it ourselves. I'm so ashamed to call the cops and I feel trapped, I'm always stressed and so unhappy.

Most of our arguments are over a stupid Xbox game that he's constantly on. I'm left to do all the work and his excuse is that he works all day. I work part time because I am studying, he is so not supportive of my study and always puts me down. Yeah I tend to fuel some of our arguments but it takes two to have children and raise a family, I feel like both mum and dad and I'm so worn out I have no life in me. I don't care how I look anymore, what I wear, nor do I have time for myself so why bother he's got so many threats that involve our daughter about taking her away, if I leave how am I supposed to do anything without harming my children? I always tell him he's the one killing me, I am always sick, stressed and his reckless driving will cause us an accident that will result in grave circumstances. I'm so lost, tired, emotionally drained, I'm literally drowning in my relationship. Please help I don't know what to do!

... Read the answer

01 May 2012
Dear Jude, my sister is stuck in an abusive relationship and I fear for her safety and the safety of her son (12 months). How can I get help for them? ... Read the answer

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