You are here:
• Talk About It
• Ask Jude
• Ask Jude Questions

15 Jun 2009
Hi Jude, I feel that I am in an abusive relationship. My husband often gets angry and shouts at me. When we're driving he will speed up, even though I tell him I get scared. I don't know what to do. I suffer with anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. I'm totally dependent on him financially and emotionally. I feel so trapped and alone. He has smacked me twice before, and whenever we argue he almost does, if I don't shut my mouth. So confused and alone.

Any behaviour that hurts us in any way and makes us feel bad and violates us is always unacceptable. What is happening to you is not right. The behaviour you have described that your husband inflicts on you puts you in danger physically and emotionally. The incidents you described when you are in the car and he speeds up also puts other people on the road in possible danger.
I can understand your fear and also why you may have anxiety attacks. What I would like to say to you firstly is please know that you have done nothing wrong and you do not deserve this treatment. He needs to accept that it is not ok for him to do what he does to you, ever, and that he needs to take responsibility for that behaviour and seek help. It is not OK!!
Only he can do that, no-one can do it for him.
I know how confused you must be feeling but please know you are not alone and there are people who can help you. You can phone our family violence information line on 0800 456 450 to find out what help is available where you live. The people who answer the phone are very understanding and don't judge.
In most communities there are services run for women in situations like yours, this can help you work through the issues you are facing.
You are amazing for having the courage to have taken the first step of writing in to "It's not OK" and I'm so proud of you. I know how hard this must be for many reasons so good on you. I do want you to know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect - please don't forget that.
Perhaps you could develop a safety plan to follow when things start to get out of control and your safety becomes an issue. Have you a friend that you could ring in an emergency, who would know immediately that you need them and you need help urgently.
In an emergency you can phone the Police on 111. They are there for you and have specialty teams in family violence who will help you deal with your situation. They also have access to other agencies who they can make contact with to help you.
In regards to the financial and emotional dependence you say you have with your husband, know that this is another way that some men use to gain power and control over their partners. It must be terrifying for you to think of stepping out of that, but it is not a part of a healthy relationship and again I say, you deserve more than that.
If you choose to seek help the people working with you will help you understand that hold he has on you and help you work through those issues. Your decision to ask for help could prompt your husband to have a look at his behaviour and then hopefully step up and take responsibility and learn new ways of doing things that don't hurt you.

Please take care, you're an amazing woman.
Jude.

• About Us
• Feedback
• Accessibility
• Site Map
• Privacy and Security
• Copyright
• Contact Us

newzealand.govt.nz