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22 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have been in an abusive relationship for 9 nearly 10 years, I am in my early 20s and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I am worried about writing in but I just need to tell someone. I am desperately wanting to leave my partner but he gets really physically, emotionally and mentally abusive all the time, let alone whenever I discuss it (leaving him). He made me go on a benefit when he found out I was pregnant so he could sit at home and do nothing, every time I mention leaving he says that he's going to tell Work and Income that I've been a fraud and that there's nothing to prove that. He's "the king" as he puts it.

I am so scared that if I leave him (just walk out, get a protection order/restraining order and go to a women's refuge) I am going to end up in jail and lose my daughter. I considered myself to be so strong dealing with the abuse until last week I found out that he has got another girl pregnant. When I confronted him he said he has been seeing her for awhile and that they are going to be a family but he is still going to live with me and use me for all I have. After finding that out I have just broken down, I feel sick all the time, the sight and feel of him absolutely repulses me but he insists I be around him at all times. I am so tired all the time and cry heaps then get beaten for not being attending enough, I have tried to shield my girl from all this.

I'm desperate to get out but I am so scared of him making me out to be a fraud that I just stick with it. I even tried to talk to him nicely, trying to convince him how great his life would be if he left me and started another family with this other woman but he told me to f*** up and that I was never going to escape. I don't actually care about the woman or pregnancy that much because I stopped loving him a long time ago, but it's just like everything has hit me all at once, all these years of abuse has just bulldozed me.



Thank you for writing in and sharing what is happening for you. First off please let me tell you that none of this behaviour your partner is choosing to use is your fault, you are not responsible for any of it.

I would like to suggest that you make contact with your local women's refuge as soon as possible. They will talk with you about your fears and your concerns and then they will advise you of what they can do to help you, even talking to Work and Income for you.

Please know that you will not go to jail or have your daughter taken off you, this is your partner's way of controlling you by threatening you and instilling fear in you to keep you where he wants you for his own personal gain.

I need you to know that you deserve so much more than that. You are worthy of more. You are worthy of kindness and caring and equality in a relationship and you deserve to be loved in a healthy way. No-one deserves to be treated the way you have described, it is cruel and unacceptable.

I would also like to mention the fact that your daughter is living in this environment with you and witnessing all of what you have talked of. This is obviously not good for her, as you have said. You try and shield her but unfortunately just being there, even if she is in another room, it will be having a negative effect on her. If you would like to know more about the effects of family violence on children, we have brochures on our website and also available through our information line on 0800 456 450.

The workers from Refuge will be able to help you with all the things you need and have mentioned in your letter and they will do it all in a way that is supportive and kind. This is what they are trained to do; this is what their role is. They have many relationships within the community that they can call on to help, including Work and Income. You do not have to do this alone, there are people to help you should you choose to reach out and ask for it.

It may also be that you consider seeing a counsellor. You have been through so much and have been subjected to so much hurt and unfair treatment, to help you work through this so you can become whole again, not only for yourself but for your daughter as well, this may be an option. It may also be worth considering your daughter seeing someone. There are counsellors who are trained to work with children from situations like yours who can help her work through things as well.

I understand how exhausted you must be so please reach out. If you can find the courage to do so, maybe share what you are going to do with a friend or family member and have them with you when you make contact.

Another option may be that you contact a local social service agency in your area, you can find out contact details by ringing 0800 456 450, give them a call, share what is happening and they will arrange a time for you to go in and see someone. They too are very kind and can help you with whatever your needs are. Many of the agencies run programmes to help women who have experienced family violence and these are very good and help strengthen you and build you back up. It's a way of meeting other women who have experienced similar or the same as you which helps just knowing that you are not the only one who is going through this kind of thing. They can really help.

Together with the help of some of the community workers we can get you out of this life and keep you and your daughter safe. It can be done. You don't have to do this alone; there are people who will be there for you.

I wish you all the very best and I will be thinking of you and hoping all goes well. You deserve more, you're worth it.

Jude


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