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16 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.

Thank you for writing in and thank you for caring so much about your friend. May I suggest that you contact the local women's refuge in your area (this number can be obtained by ringing 0800 456 450 and asking for the contact details) and share what is happening with your friend and they will be able to advise you of what can be done.

There may be a refuge called Shakti in your area also, which caters for women of different ethnicities, you could ask about this when you ring our 0800 number. Either way there is help available to your friend to help keep her safe. I know how frightening this is so please let her know that she is not alone and there is help available to her if she is able to reach out to it.

May I suggest that you talk to her about creating a safety plan which is a plan that she has in place should she need to leave in a hurry. The plan includes things like having a pre-arranged place to go to should things get out of hand (or even if she sees the warning signs) having this person's phone number on speed dial (if she has a phone of course), having a pre arranged phrase or word so that if she rings and says this particular phrase it is immediately known that she needs help or is on her way. It includes having some money put aside in a secret place, maybe a set of car keys, important personal documents, anything she may need.

If she does leave then there will be other things that your friend can access like counselling, programmes especially for women who have experienced family violence, financial support, and housing. But I think at this stage it's about letting her know what is available right now and reminding her that she is not alone.

Please write back in should you need any more information. I will be thinking of your friend and hoping that she is ok and getting help. Family violence is not ok and not accepted in New Zealand and we will look after anyone who has been subjected to it.

I wish you all the best.

Jude.


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