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Does he truly see his behaviour as unacceptable and unfair? Does he clearly see that he needs some help in changing this behaviour? If this is the case, it can then make it possible to forgive. People do make mistakes, people do get it wrong. We know that. But it's what is done after the mistake that is most important.

If this man is committed to making this relationship work - as you are - it may mean that he has to seek help and support. It may mean he has to attend a programme or regular meetings with a counsellor. It may mean that you may have to seek some support. It may also mean you may have to have some time apart until you know and believe that the abuse will never happen again.

You need to be shown that things are different, that the support from counsellors, support groups, courses, whoever, has had an effect and there is a new learned behaviour in place. If this man is as committed to you as you are to him, it goes back to what I said earlier, "that he will do whatever it takes" to make things right. Forgiveness will then flow.

Please know that this is something that does not take 5 minutes to resolve. It takes time and effort and this is where your strength is going to be needed because after abuse has taken place, there can be a lot of "sorrys" and "it'll never happen again". We can fall into the trap of believing this without seeing any evidence that change is happening and go back into the relationship only for violence to happen again.

This is why it is so important to get it sorted correctly from this point on. Imagine if your partner did all the necessary things to have a safe relationship with you, wouldn't that be a huge statement of his love and commitment to you? I believe then that this is when forgiveness can happen and you can go on to have a wonderful healthy happy relationship.

Jude

Other Ask Jude Questions

16 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.... Read the answer

08 May 2012
Hey Jude, I'm sitting here contemplating whether to call the help line or even the cops. My partner of five years has just assaulted me in front of the kids, I am terrified as to how far he can go. I hesitate to get authorities involved due to the fact that we have two children both under the age of 7 and the eldest is mine from a previous relationship, so he's told me in past arguments that if I ever left him or we broke up he would take my daughter and I love my kids so I would never want to hurt them or put them through hell over custody battles if it came to that.

However after his attack on me in front of them I now realise we already are hurting them and I don't want my babies raised like this but I refuse to be a result from a broken family so I am stuck - literally I can't breathe and am too afraid to do anything like leave him which is what I always think of doing but to who? My support system is not in this country and I am terrified to fly. I don't want to bother family I do have here - more like I am too ashamed to admit we have problems. His own family if I got them involved would tell us to deal with it ourselves. I'm so ashamed to call the cops and I feel trapped, I'm always stressed and so unhappy.

Most of our arguments are over a stupid Xbox game that he's constantly on. I'm left to do all the work and his excuse is that he works all day. I work part time because I am studying, he is so not supportive of my study and always puts me down. Yeah I tend to fuel some of our arguments but it takes two to have children and raise a family, I feel like both mum and dad and I'm so worn out I have no life in me. I don't care how I look anymore, what I wear, nor do I have time for myself so why bother he's got so many threats that involve our daughter about taking her away, if I leave how am I supposed to do anything without harming my children? I always tell him he's the one killing me, I am always sick, stressed and his reckless driving will cause us an accident that will result in grave circumstances. I'm so lost, tired, emotionally drained, I'm literally drowning in my relationship. Please help I don't know what to do!

... Read the answer

01 May 2012
Dear Jude, my sister is stuck in an abusive relationship and I fear for her safety and the safety of her son (12 months). How can I get help for them? ... Read the answer

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