May

16 May 2012
Hi Jude, I have a neighbour who is Middle Eastern and she is going through domestic violence. She is too afraid to talk to anyone but did confess to me as I prompted her after spotting the signs. I just want to know what I can do to help. I am worried about her as she has indicated having suicidal thoughts. I have already emailed her the link to this website and I have talked to her about other options. I have in the past experienced similar so I know what it's like. I just feel helpless now though. Her husband is very controlling and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse for her. Thanks.

Read the answer

08 May 2012
Hey Jude, I'm sitting here contemplating whether to call the help line or even the cops. My partner of five years has just assaulted me in front of the kids, I am terrified as to how far he can go. I hesitate to get authorities involved due to the fact that we have two children both under the age of 7 and the eldest is mine from a previous relationship, so he's told me in past arguments that if I ever left him or we broke up he would take my daughter and I love my kids so I would never want to hurt them or put them through hell over custody battles if it came to that.

However after his attack on me in front of them I now realise we already are hurting them and I don't want my babies raised like this but I refuse to be a result from a broken family so I am stuck - literally I can't breathe and am too afraid to do anything like leave him which is what I always think of doing but to who? My support system is not in this country and I am terrified to fly. I don't want to bother family I do have here - more like I am too ashamed to admit we have problems. His own family if I got them involved would tell us to deal with it ourselves. I'm so ashamed to call the cops and I feel trapped, I'm always stressed and so unhappy.

Most of our arguments are over a stupid Xbox game that he's constantly on. I'm left to do all the work and his excuse is that he works all day. I work part time because I am studying, he is so not supportive of my study and always puts me down. Yeah I tend to fuel some of our arguments but it takes two to have children and raise a family, I feel like both mum and dad and I'm so worn out I have no life in me. I don't care how I look anymore, what I wear, nor do I have time for myself so why bother he's got so many threats that involve our daughter about taking her away, if I leave how am I supposed to do anything without harming my children? I always tell him he's the one killing me, I am always sick, stressed and his reckless driving will cause us an accident that will result in grave circumstances. I'm so lost, tired, emotionally drained, I'm literally drowning in my relationship. Please help I don't know what to do!

Read the answer

01 May 2012
Dear Jude, my sister is stuck in an abusive relationship and I fear for her safety and the safety of her son (12 months). How can I get help for them?

Read the answer

April

17 Apr 2012
This is probably a stupid question and not the sort of thing this site is for, it's not about an abusive relationship. I left my husband of 6 years nearly two years ago. My question is about being in a relationship after. I have a partner now, he's a really great guy and he wants us to take the next step, commitment and move in together. He wants the relationship to grow and is really patient about waiting until I am ready but how do I know he's different. With my ex he was broody and only really ugly or lost his temper (throwing stuff) a couple times before we got married and I put that down to stress but the second we got married it was like a switch flicked and he didn't care how he treated me anymore and just got worse and worse. How do I know if this relationship is different, I am scared that if we move in together he might change and then I'm trapped and I don't want to feel like that again. I have talked to him about it and he is happy to wait, just not forever, which is understandable. He also gets frustrated and finds it hard to deal with the fact that I can't make decisions for us, it sounds really stupid but for example, if we are going out for dinner and he asks where I want to go, I can't answer , I panic that I am going to be wrong or say the wrong place. My mind literally goes blank and I have no opinion, I just want him to tell me what to do. It bothers him because he wants me to have input. I have nightmares too but I didn't realise how often, when he stays over he wakes up really tired. The bad nightmares wake me up and those were the only ones I know about but apparently I have them most nights and I cry and fight and run in my sleep, he ends up having to get out of my way so I can't hit or knee him in my sleep. How do I stop, how do I know for sure this relationship will be different, how do I stop being so pathetic and paranoid. How do I know what is real, that he is different and it's not just a show. This is probably not the sort of question you are meant to ask on here, I'm sorry if that's the case, if you have any advice that would be appreciated but I understand if this isn't the sort of thing you give advice on. Thanks anyway.

Read the answer

04 Apr 2012
Hi Jude, our 21 year old daughter's partner has physically abused her three times in 12 months that we know about. Last time he strangled her and threw her against the wall. Our girl retreats from getting help. We want to talk to him and encourage him to get help but fear this may increase the violence. What should we do? Thanks.

Read the answer

March

27 Mar 2012
Am I a victim of family violence? My partner and I are going through a rough time at the moment because I am trying to have a break from him. He's not a bad guy but he does bad things. He worries me by doing dangerous things, like driving fast with the kids in the car and telling me he will be home soon and then turning his phone off and not getting home until 4am drunk and driving. He has hit me once before but has apologised and blamed it on alcohol. He is very lazy and I have to do most things for the children and house. If he has control of the expenses I'm afraid the kids could possibly miss out on food, nappies and formula. He yells at me lots in front of the kids and doesn't listen to my side. He checks what underwear I wear most days and accuses me of cheating. He won't let me study or work as he doesn't trust me because in the past when we split I moved on quickly. His family believe I want to leave him because I want someone else but that's not right. It's because I'm sick of him controlling my life. His family are great support but I am always feeling like I owe them or something. I have to hide my wallet, keys and smokes from my partner. He also accuses me of cheating if I go to the bathroom with my phone. He expects me to leave the door unlocked. He is a great dad. He gets up to them sometimes but he gets very frustrated with our 3 year old when she asks for help at times like going to the toilet and cleaning up. He threatens her with smacks or tells her he will put her outside with the dog or he will pull her earrings out. I was brought up well but I have noticed myself yelling at the kids more often. Am I a victim of family violence?

Read the answer

19 Mar 2012
Hey there Jude, after googling a few things on the internet I have ended up here on the are you ok website. After reading some other questions I think that I may be the problem. I am having great difficulty with my 6 year old daughter. I have always been a loud person and threw quite severe temper tantrums as I grew up, and as my mother has said every daughter deserves a daughter, I have that and more. I manage to keep my cool for so long and then I snap!!! I don't just yell I am literally screaming and it's not so nice, in fact I'm sitting here writing this balling my eyes out because I feel so guilty! I have tried time out, smacked bottoms and it just seems to fire her up more then I get angrier! I feel for her every time we have one of these 'episodes' my mouth gets worse, it's getting to the point now I just want to throttle her or worse send her away! Please tell me where I can learn to control my temper so in return I can help my daughter so that she doesn't grow up like me!

Read the answer

09 Mar 2012
I'm struggling to know what to do or the direction to take. My husband has never hit me, but he is causing me a lot of hurt. He swears at me, insults me and says hurtful things. He gets angry so fast into a rage and has sometimes thrown things or broken things. I am afraid of how he will react. I don't want to be living with him anymore because of this and have imagined finding a place of my own and leaving. We have a 6 month child and I don't want her raised in this environment. I think my husband suffers depression, he is quite negative all the time and it's bringing me down too. He doesn't have friends and he doesn't want to see his family. He blames most of our problems on our child, but it's not like he even barely helps. I feel like I am a solo mum most of the time, I buy everything our daughter needs, take care of her, and get up to her in the night. He recently told me I pressured him into having her (which I don't see is true, if he didn't want a child he should have told me - telling me to have an abortion when he was in one of his rages was a bit too late and not something I would ever do).

He is not all bad, when he's in a good mood he helps around the home and is very loving and plays with our child, but other times he doesn't have the patience and doesn't seem to even want to look at her. When I married him I was naïve, I didn't see the signs, but looking back, now I think they were there. I left another abusive relationship and shortly after met him. He was kind at first and seemed everything my old partner wasn't. I can't believe I would fall for a similar person. I feel like I never want to be in a relationship with another man as I don't trust my judgement. I can't talk to family or friends about this, and when I read about divorce it says you should do everything to fix a marriage. I suggested counselling a few times, but he doesn't want to, and now I'm starting to not even see the point. He says sorry, things will be better or I won't do that again, but he always does. I have come out of my dream world expecting things to get better, and now in reality I don't see they will. Am I wrong for thinking this way? I don't want my child to grow up without a father, and I don't want to leave this relationship if there is any hope, but right now, I see no hope and in spite of him being a good playmate when he's in a good mood, I don't see him as a good father figure. I don't know what to do, or what is the right choice to make.

Read the answer

February

23 Feb 2012
Dear Jude my friend was in an abusive relationship a while ago. She and her ex-husband have a beautiful little daughter whom they share custody over She was diagnosed with Battered Wife Syndrome and her ex-husband has previously been jailed for abusing her in the relationship. He also had a restraining order put on him and has physical abused one of her friends, so bad that they were hospitalised. Previously in one of our conversations she mentioned she would like nothing to do with him and has changed address a few times to avoid him. Lately I received a phone call from her ex-husband from her phone where he threatened me. I can handle myself but I do not want any trouble. However I am concerned for her safety. What should I do? Should I notify the authorities, or am I just being too nosy? Please help.

Read the answer

13 Feb 2012
My father is an abusive alcoholic. He likes to lash out at me. Last night I was sitting down eating when he decided to talk to me and I told him that I'd rather not speak to him right now and he got in my face and started to scream and cuss at me. He said a lot of hurtful things and names and told me to go ahead and cry because I deserve it. I just let him scream but I did eventually cry and he kept screaming and he tried to back me up against a wall so I pushed him and he threatened to hit me. No I was not alone my sister and his mother were there to witness and my sister ran over to make sure he would not hit me. I am 28 years old and I live on my own but I don't know what to do or how to end this. Please help.

Read the answer

07 Feb 2012
Hi Jude, I hit my girlfriend on Friday night after I had been drinking heavily. I hate what I have done. I need help, I never thought I could do this to anyone especially her. I love her. I never want to be like that again. Please help me I need to talk to someone. What I have done is unforgivable and I will understand if she leaves me for it. I want to try and better myself.

Read the answer

02 Feb 2012
Dear Jude. I have neighbours who fight at least once a day. Their bedroom is about three metres away from our bedroom and they constantly wake us with their fighting. I find it really traumatic as we have a young son who hears all of it. They also fight at night and it's often hard to put my son to bed. They have two sons, 1.5 years and two months old. The children cry when they fight. Sometimes the fight spills out into the street. I don't want to get involved with these people but I fear for the children. I told my husband the next time they fight, I'm calling the cops. I just want to know what I can do.

Read the answer

January

25 Jan 2012
Hi Jude, I was hoping I could find someone to talk to. I am 20 years old and have been with my partner since I was 14 and he is now 27. I have had two kids to him under five, and it's just been a rollercoaster. He is a very heavy drinker and is forever just leaving and not saying anything. I have had cops come to my old house in the past with him verbally abusing me when he was drunk. I thought it would stop but it's just gotten worse. My oldest son often says his dad's mean or very angry. My partner has made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and has even recently cheated on me. Our arguments got really bad sometimes, I would be scared for me and my kids. I moved out two weeks ago but only live five minutes from his house with my family, but it's very crowded and me and the kids are sleeping in the lounge. The kids are happier. The dad had a new girlfriend the day I moved out and I'm getting abused over text messages and him telling lies to all our friends. I now feel afraid to stay where I am as they both live down the road. I just want a new start, a new life. I want to be happy again and to give my kids the life and happiness they deserve because they haven't had it at all. I never asked to be a victim but I am and I'm reaching out for advice.

Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Dear Jude, I am interested to know what exactly constitutes verbal abuse. I have often wondered if my husband is verbally abusive - he says such cruel things (such as saying he doesn't give a f*** about our baby because its mother is such a b****) and says that people say the most hurtful things they can think of when arguing, and his mother agrees that this is normal when arguing. I had never experienced this in previous relationships but my husband tells me I am super sensitive. He swears, shouts and name-calls, but only during an argument. Sometimes, he raises a fist to me, but has never hit me. He did tell me he would never hit a woman but he was going to arrange for someone else to do it for him. Am I being oversensitive when he behaves like this? Should I just 'suck it up'? Thank you, Jude.

Read the answer