November

25 Nov 2009
Hi Jude, I have a friend that has been out of a violent relationship for two years now, however over the last two months I have seen less of her, and after talking with her today have found that she is sitting on the fence of going back to this relationship. Already the power and control has started and I saw a huge faded bruise covering her forehead, and she also is back to wearing clothing totally covering her whole body. Today we just talked about stuff and she was open about lots, however she did not mention any physical abuse from him, what can I do? It won't be long and she will be convinced to move back in with him, I am scared he will end up killing her....I can feel it....I heard you speak recently....and you talked about angels...I want to be my friend's angel.

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October

20 Oct 2009

My boyfriend and I are always fighting specially now that I have my work. I am the one who is paying for all of our expenses every time we are going out since he's still studying. I love him but sometimes it bothers me because I do not want him to depend on me so much when it comes to financial matters. And right now, we just had a fight because of money. He cannot understand my work and he's saying that all that's important to me is money, after all that I sacrificed for him. Should I still stay in this relationship? I'm really confused. He's hurting me sometimes through the bad words that he's saying. He said he loves me but he's lying to me and I'm sure of that. Please help me. I really need some good advice.

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07 Oct 2009

Hi Jude, I was raised with family violence and then went on to marry a violent man. Because of religious beliefs I stayed for 6 years until the beatings became too regular and in front of our son. I have since remarried a wonderful man and life should be good but I struggle with confidence and flashbacks and can't quite shake 'bitterness' among other things. Is there help for people like me? Women who are safe but still mentally struggling?

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September

24 Sep 2009
Hi there Jude, I am doing a school project on family violence and was wondering if you would be able to answer a few questions for me. Who does family violence effect? How long did it take you before you realised you had to get out of that relationship? What advice would you give to someone who is in a violent relationship?

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09 Sep 2009
My boyfriend would never hit me I'm pretty sure about that but he puts me down all the time and calls me names and tells me to wear different clothes. He gets really jealous when we go out. He goes off if I even look at another guy, or if a guy talks to me. I know he really does love me but I wish that he wouldn't do that stuff. What can I do?

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01 Sep 2009
Hi there Jude,

I had the privilege of listening to you speak recently, I can't find the words to say how that was for me, except wow! You are amazing and an inspiration! I had a question for you but missed out on asking it, so I wanted to ask you now. Here goes! If you hear arguing, and you have been brought up to mind your own business, but you want to ring the police, how do you know when it's just arguing, or whether it is abuse?

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August

25 Aug 2009
Hi Jude. I'm 11 and I'm very upset. My parents are always arguing and fighting. I understand sometimes that in relationships this will happen, but my parents have been married for at least 12 years now or maybe longer. But when they fight my dad will hit my mum and I can't take it, I will cry my heart out to the sound of dishes smashing, punches, slaps, swear words. My dad told me that they don't mean the hurtful things they say, but I don't know if that's true. My dad always brings things up from the past and its like 'Dad, that's from the past. Can you think about the good things that will come in the future? Because, seriously, you need to'. I'm fed up of this nonsense they say, act and do. My dad just takes his anger out on everyone, I think we need to see a family counsellor. But I don't want my parents to get divorced and they don't want to be separated either. Please give me advice on how to handle these Jude.

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19 Aug 2009
Hi Jude, I have a 10 month old daughter and need to leave my partner. I have no money or anything and don't know what to do. He used to like this woman a little while ago just before we started going out. He always brings her up in conversations and now he is in contact with her. He knows I do not like her but doesn't seem to care. How do I go about doing things to move out and get a new place with no money? I'm so upset and do not trust him anymore as I don't know what else he has been up to. We always fight (verbally) and Ido not want my daughter hearing it so have to move out. What do I do please. I really need your advice.

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11 Aug 2009
Hi Jude, I am 27 years old, in a relationship or was. I have been physically abused for the past five years and had taken my partner to court twice for violent abuse. Went through counselling sessions where he denied there were problems. He gets drunk all the time and comes home causing problems. I have had to call the police to remove him recently because I was scared he will beat me again. We have three kids together. He runs me down, calling me an ugly b**** and that I am fat and I should be ashamed for using his money. He leaves me feeling sad and lower than ever. Many times he comes back acting all nice then he starts all over again. His friends and family have turned on me because he tells them he's the victim and I'm ‘sick' in the head. Police have told me to leave him and I do but he comes back trying to be all sorry. I am soft hearted and gullible. However, I want advice from you. I'm not feeling high in spirits right now. We don't share the same bed together as he would rather sleep in the lounge. We don't eat together and rarely go out together so I'm assuming he only wants a place to stay and someone to do his house work. When I tell him to leave he hurts my feelings by running me down then claiming what's his in the house. Can you please give me some advice as I'm lost and need advice.

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05 Aug 2009
With all the violence that you grew up with and the beatings you got from different men, how have your kids been affected? What sort of relationships do you have with them now?

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July

28 Jul 2009

Hi Jude,

I'm wondering where do I go next? I have been in a relationship with my partner for four years but in the last year the relationship and my partner has changed dramatically. I'm not getting physically abused but the emotional abuse - put downs, name calling. My partner flies off the handle for me even mentioning something that he may not agree with, this is a huge change as he used to be a gentle person, now he's so angry he breaks things in arguments, kicks doors, smashes things etc. In a few days will be sorry but things don't last long and we are back to square one. He has been to a men's support group but it hasn't helped. Please help I'm on the verge of having a break down from all the emotional trauma.

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15 Jul 2009
Hi Jude, I grew up with violence, my mum left me when I was two years old, I was raised by my Grandad and his wife who I now call Mum and Dad. They would go to the pub, come home and start fighting, swearing at each other. Us kids were always getting hidings over silly little things, we were yelled at, put down, we weren't allowed to go anywhere.

I don't remember ever been told I love you, I don't remember ever been cuddled, I don't remember ever hearing I'm sorry. I promised myself growing up I would never go with anyone who was violent - never. At age 17 I meet this wonderful man who was loving, never ever raised a hand at me or put me down, I never knew what love was until I met him. We had two beautiful girls, we were together for 12 years.

In 2002 I made the biggest mistake of my life, I left that good man but we remained good friends because of our girls. I left him for a man who ended up being the one person I promised myself I would never end up with. The signs were there but I never saw them until years later after we separated.

I was in that relationship for three years and still to this day it hurts and angers me. He would rip my clothes, hide them, he would read my texts, he smashed my stuff, he would get all upset if I wanted to go anywhere. Half the time I just stayed home. He would get jealous if I was sitting or talking to any guy, he scratched my car, he did P, he smoked dope around my girls when I had them.

Being around him was like walking on egg shells. I found myself snapping at my girls cause he didn't approve of something they were doing, he made me feel guilty whenever I had my girls. I found I didn't have many friends anymore because they weren't allowed to come round cause he grew dope.

I remember when he first hit me we had only been together two months. I was lying in bed and bumped his sore leg by accident, he turned around and punched me in the leg three times and I did nothing, I told no one and that's where it all started. It only got worse.

I hate myself for believing I deserved to be treated like that and that I couldn't do any better. I hate myself for allowing him to control me, put me down, for allowing him to hit me, for choosing him over my girls, for allowing him to take away my self worth, my confidence.

In 2004 my girls' dad died, I was devastated. On that very same day my partner blackmailed me saying I had to give him children if me and my girls wanted to stay with him of course I said no. I hate myself because I ended up doing the exact things he did to me a few years later, I stooped down to his level. I was insecure, angry, I went nutty...I was so full of hate and revenge and hurt I wanted him to hurt like I had been. He was too big to hit so I scratched his car and slashed his tyres which I ended up being charged with. I would take it out on my girls verbally, I was a mess for a very long time. I would send him up to 300 texts at one time reminding him of what he had done, it's like I didn't want him to forget. He would text back saying I deserved everything I got cause I wouldn't go away and that I must have liked it.

Could he be right in what he was saying? What I don't understand is why did I allow for this to happen, why when he wanted to break it off I didn't wanna let go? Why did I end up doing what he did to me? Everything I have mentioned is just the tip of the iceberg. Nobody knows the mind games, the violence I went through with him except for me and him and it hurts that still to this day people are living my past and judging me on hearsay. He has lied to them having them believe he did nothing. He once said to me yeah it's cause he's cleverer than me. All I want from him is an apology for his wrong doings and he knows that and yet he won't. How can someone treat someone so bad and not apologise? How can they not want to help heal that person?

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04 Jul 2009
Hi,  I'm not really sure whether my problem is that bad, but I really need advice. I'm worried about my two youngest nephews and niece. Their parents get into extreme verbal arguments, which are so loud that we can hear them from the other side of the property. They also yell at the kids, and I'm sure they must feel scared, as much as my Mum and Dad try and shelter them.

My sister is very loud and controlling, and I feel that my Mum is sometimes afraid of her. I know I am. I suffer from anxiety, and don't feel able to stand up to my sister in any way, though at the same time I'm concerned about her. She gets yelled at by her husband, and never seems to have enough money for basic things like food and clothes, for her or for the kids. Both of them are smoking pot, and the police have been called a few times, but never taken it to court or anything.

I want my nephews and niece to grow up in a stable, loving and supportive home. Mum keeps saying that she should do something about it, but she's afraid how my sister would take it and also worried that the kids would be taken away from their parents. I'm very worried that if Mum knew I'd done something, she'd never talk to me again. What do I do?

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June

25 Jun 2009
Please can you tell me how or where to go for emotional and verbal abuse. My husband is continuously putting me down, patronising me, and telling me that I am stupid. I suffer from such low self esteem and self worth, that I find I panic all the time and have a social phobia. I hate speaking on the phone and get very nervous. I am not working at the moment.

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19 Jun 2009
Hi Jude, I had a partner that I didn't trust. I love him still but he doesn't want me anymore cos I was texting him last Saturday morning and he never replied so I went there at his place and knocked on the window and his door but he didn't answer it. So I got my car key from my pocket and scratched his teammate's car which was parked at his place because I was angry cos he didn't answer the door. Sometimes I get jealous of him because I think that he has seen someone else but I love him. He is a good guy but it is just me who gets mad and crazy sometimes. Can you please tell me what to do or shall I leave him alone for good? I understand what I did was so wrong and I really don't want to go there anymore. Thank you.

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15 Jun 2009
Hi Jude, I feel that I am in an abusive relationship. My husband often gets angry and shouts at me. When we're driving he will speed up, even though I tell him I get scared. I don't know what to do. I suffer with anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. I'm totally dependent on him financially and emotionally. I feel so trapped and alone. He has smacked me twice before, and whenever we argue he almost does, if I don't shut my mouth. So confused and alone.

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01 Jun 2009
I have been in family violence ever since I was 4 years, my mother would hit me with anything that was near her like shoe, vacuum, wire or anything that was hard enough to hit me so hard because my mother was angry at something and started putting her anger on me. Please how can I stop my mother from putting her anger on me?

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May

25 May 2009
My sister is living with a guy who hits her and doesn't treat her very well but she says he loves her and it's all ok. I wish that I could do something because I remember when she was happy and not so worried all the time but I just don't know how to go about saying something. What would be a good thing to say or do? I'm worried something bad will happen or that she will stop talking to me.

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April

01 Apr 2009
Hi Jude, My daughter and her two children had left her marriage of domestic violence one year ago. She had been given a protection order for herself and children and very briefly he had supervised access. One year on she is truly struggling. She had gone along with all Court recommendations, put up with various forms of him breaching the protection order, but Police did not deem the total of these as significant, had the Judge give him unsupervised access in his own home town (physical abuse goes on in his home) and now the Judge has lifted the protection order off the kids.
Why is the abuser being allowed to get away with his crimes. My daughter needs a strong advocate too. They were directed to have couple counselling, court ordered, and the counsellor couldn't control the session, allowed the abuser to use stand over tactics right there. The counsellor then conveniently forgot that it happened when evidence was required for the Family Court.
Anyway I watch my granddaughter, now she's doing to her mother what her father did. She has just returned from unsupervised access and tried to hit her mother today. What does it take for the Judge to actually get it right or what do we have to do to change the verdicts? I'm afraid for my two grandchildren as their father's whole family has issues here, even one family member is writing up an affidavit to this and his mother is being reported to a professional association due to her input into the abuses on my daughter and others. I truly believe the two Judges we have are not supportive. What can we do....what can she do?? This is also placing her in huge debt due to travel expenses to access drop offs and pick ups etc.

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March

11 Mar 2009
My husband has physically assaulted me twice during the time we were married, and for many years I have been subjected to emotional and mental abuse from him as have my children. I finally found the courage to say enough was enough and we split in September 2006 - he did not move out till October 2006. He then, at a later date, assaulted me in front of our girls.

I have had a year from hell, with courts, being put under the microscope and I did nothing wrong. My children have undergone counselling and he continues to mess with their minds and in my opinion and my daughters' counsellor, he continues to mentally and emotionally abuse them. He is highly confrontational and very difficult to have a simple conversation with, he reverts to very childish behaviours. He projects his behaviours on to me and is very manipulative and convincing to others that he is hard done by and that he has done no wrong.

I do not wish to go back to the courts as I am told he will just get told to stop and nothing else will be done and it will cost me thousands of dollars and he can continue to treat our girls badly. He is in breach of the parenting agreement several times over but again police and courts will do nothing. What can I do - I need to protect my girls. I do not wish them to grow up dysfunctional or emotionally scared adults. Since being in the system I can see why there are so many women that do not get out because they feel trapped or helpless and children grow up to be dysfunctional in society because even mothers can't protect them as the law won't.

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04 Mar 2009
Hey Jude, a friend of mine is getting abused by their father and has recently been headbutted and punched in the face by him. This isn't the first time they have had a big argument but is the first time their father has hit them. But they don't want any help and keep saying everything's fine, what should I do??

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February

25 Feb 2009
Hey Jude. I've been fighting with my boyfriend a lot about many things. We both love each other a lot. It's nearly been a year. But I don't know what to do. My mates are helping me through it. He only goes weird when he's around one friend that he's not allowed to hang with. Please help me. I'm getting so upset at the moment.

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16 Feb 2009
Hi Jude, were you also violent? Also what do you think of the younger women coming up? Also do you think it is fair we only show women who are victims of violence and keep to making men out to be the perpetrators? I hope this is not too sensitive for you to answer.

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11 Feb 2009
Hi Jude,

I have had 12 years of sexual abuse from my husband, from 1996/2008. My daughter moved out so I am now in her bedroom and I feel the need to lock my door at nights so he can not get in, which make me feel better. He knows what he has done is wrong but says it's all my fault because I will not have a sexual relationship with him, I can not bear him to touch me, after what he has done to me, and he does not understand this.

I do not want to leave my home, but want him to go. I do have evidence of two of the times he abused me, this is tape recordings, which a mate is looking after, and written accounts of the abuse. I hate that he has got away with what he has done to me, and wish I was strong willed to have him arrested, but I just can not do that, mostly for the grown up children's sake. I moved to NZ in June 2007, with my husband and children as the children wanted to come here, so I only have his family here, no one else to talk to, apart from a work mate, I am getting very depressed with how things are here, tell me what to do.

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January

27 Jan 2009

How can I communicate with my Dad without him being mad at me and hitting me?

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21 Jan 2009

Hi Jude. I have been in a relationship for about 4 years - the first since my marriage broke up 8 years ago (due to domestic violence).

Me and my new partner have only recently started sharing a home together but before that would spend quite a bit of time together. After we had been seeing each other for about 2 years, I discovered that he had inappropriately touched my 13- year-old daughter a few times and just last week I discovered he had been a bit inappropriate with my 10-year-old daughter, again in the early days of our relationship.

I went to the police as soon as I found out about him touching my older daughter but they didn't really encourage me to do anything about it (to my horror they didn't even take down details - though asked for a name). I didn't see my 'partner' for a month. He admitted he had been inappropriate and was really sorry and ashamed, and promised it was in the past.

I let him back into my life (but keeping my daughters at a distance or not with me when I saw him). I do believe he is different now, that his past actions were due to his family background. He is very good to me and seeks to be active in my family’s life, but my daughters and son have some reservations. We bought a property together a few years ago, that is why I have now moved in with him (financial) - but do families remain together if there has been some inappropriate behaviour (not at the severest level) and how do they move on positively from that - or am I really off-track ... ?

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