September
08 Sep 2010
Hello Jude, for the last few years my partner and I have had terrible fights, which always result in him hitting me, breaking my things and being destructive. He says that he wouldn't do it if I wasn't so manipulative. I spend a lot of time questioning whether I am or not. We have two beautiful little girls together and he certainly doesn't hold back in front of them. He has hit me while I am holding them, tries to take them in the car during a fight. My main job is to protect them and I feel as though I am doing a terrible job. I have to be honest...he gets so irate that I am scared if we do split he might do something to the girls to hurt me. He knows they are my world. I must add he has never physically hurt the girls. Our sexual relationship is out the window. I have put on a lot of weight since having my babies and he says he is embarrassed to be seen in my company. Just after I had my second baby I found sexual text messages on his phone to another woman. When I confronted him he blamed me for not having sex with him and snapped my cell phone in half. Just recently I found a profile he had set up on an adult dating website looking for a discrete relationship. When I asked him he said again that it was because I don't have sex with him. I just don't feel attracted to him when he says the things he says and hits me. He is convinced that he only does this to me because I rub him the wrong way, that I hold grudges for too long. I am a degree qualified person who has chosen to stay home and raise my girls. I also work part time at nights, so I can do so. I am sick of hearing that I don't contribute and that I am the reason he can have cars, boats and all the finer things in life. I feel that there are far more important issues that need to be dealt with. I am not responsible for the way he acts in a fight- am I?
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August
31 Aug 2010
I need to leave my husband. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. He has not hit but he put his hands around my throat the night before I gave birth to my daughter, and on a couple of other occasions. He frequently tells me I am dull, fat, and other words I won't put into writing. I have to walk behind him in public and he has managed to alienate my family and friends. Our landlord and tradespeople who have come to our house have expressed their concern about the way he speaks to me but he says I drive him to it and I deserve it. He also says he will kill me if I ever date anyone else and while I think he is just saying that it creates an element of doubt. He drinks a lot, even when children are around and I do not want my daughter thinking this is okay. I have not lost the weight from the baby, I work full time and went back to support him and my step daughter. He uses this against me. The baby is in day care full time and he does not work. He is supposed to be studying. I organise everything for the whole family, including my step daughter. I am so tired and have no energy for sex which results in another torrent of abuse being launched at me. I want to leave but he says he will take my daughter off me. I am happy for him to see her at the weekend during the day but do not want him to be able to have her for overnight visits as he will be drunk and is careless with her safety and making sure she is warm and properly cared for. I have supported him through a custody battle over my step daughter for the last two years but now have come to the conclusion that his ex partner is right in trying to restrict his access to their daughter. What can I do, I can't leave because I don't want to put my daughter at risk through shared custody weekends, but I can't live like this either.
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11 Aug 2010
What if a woman feels afraid to leave the man because he is her provider? If he gets angry and has hit her should she have left? What if she meets someone else should she leave him then? She does not love him any more and it kills her everyday, she feels like she has nowhere to go that's why she stays.
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July
27 Jul 2010
Hi, I'm no longer confused, I know my husband abused me although not physically. It's control, emotional, and mental and he intimidates me and our four children. I'm wanting to end our 13 year marriage, I'm no longer in love with him, I have tried to leave him four times, he just won't let me leave, he thinks he can make me fall in love with him again. My question is what the hell do I do?
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19 Jul 2010
Hi Jude, how do you get past an ex that still tries to control despite living apart?
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02 Jul 2010
Hi Jude, I'm 25 and have been enduring physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a family member since I was a very small child. It has progressively got worse over the years and he has trapped me in every way possible. My work, my home, my family life all revolve in some way around him so I can't escape him and if I tell anyone I risk losing my job and ability to live and support myself. I feel disgusting for letting it keep going but I don't know how to stop it and don't know if I can cope with the ramifications if I do speak out. I very recently became pregnant as a result of the abuse but miscarried the baby. I'm at a loss as to where to turn, who to talk to and who to trust. It's all getting too much to deal with on my own but I'm terrified to reach out and let anyone into my world. It's too much for me, how can anyone else cope with hearing it?
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June
24 Jun 2010
Hi,
I am ashamed to say that in the past I lashed out violently at my eldest son when he was a child and am worried about the effect my abuse has had on him. He is now a quiet, withdrawn adult who has problems with his social skills, low self esteem and weight gain. I got out of the relationship which was initiating my anger problems, went to anger management and have humbly begged my son's forgiveness, especially as he was not a naughty child. He cried when I asked his forgiveness and I will never forgive myself for making him so unhappy and the impact it had on his young life. He doesn't seem to have moved on and I was wondering if there were any support groups, or counsellors he could contact to help sort these things out for him. I am worried he will drag it around forever.
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14 Jun 2010
Kia ora Jude, I have been out of a relationship with my former partner for about four months, he has been serving time in prison. How do I actually leave him? I still have strong feelings of love for him and a sense of forgiveness for what he has put me through. This is a vulnerable time for me and I don't know what to do. Can you help?
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May
28 May 2010
My best friend who's 15 has been physically abused by her dad for a long time now, her mum is abusive sometimes too. Her dad has given death threats. The other day he said something about if they argue again he will get the gun. A couple of days ago he held the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. It didn't go off because my best friend had made it so the gun wouldn't work. She won't tell anyone, her mum doesn't know. I don't know what to do.
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12 May 2010
I'm doing the Mahi Ora programme and read your book, except for the kids I thought I was reading my life story. It made me cry. My question to you is this, how did you manage to get off the alcohol and drugs? I came off heroin and went on methadone but cannot shake the alcohol. I'm 27 and have done detox seven times. How did you do it? You have made me want to do better and when you know better you do better right? I'd be so grateful to hear from you.
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03 May 2010
Hi, I'm currently struggling with a very bad relationship that I've been in for almost 20 years. From where I sit, I feel that we are no good for each other, yet every attempt to leave has resulted in me going back to this relationship because I have nowhere else to go and I have three children that I am responsible for. Are you able to point me in the right direction to find support so that I can start again?
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April
21 Apr 2010
Jude, I feel I am stuck in a rut. My partner of three years has an anger problem. He has hit me only once in the time we have been together but about three or four times a week he gets angry about something and verbally abuses me. I get called a variety of names and get yelled at for sometimes hours. When he has calmed down he will come and apologise. On a few occasions I have told him to leave but he just sits there and tells me he has nowhere to go. He works hard every day and also does a lot of strength training, which includes taking testosterone pills which I'm sure doesn't help with his anger, and his size and strength add to my fear when he is upset. He gets angry with small things like, if I haven't filled up the water jug in the fridge or 'not listening to him' (which over the three years I have realised he actually means 'not OBEYING him'). I know the time is coming where I'm going to want him to leave again. How can I make this happen smoothly without being yelled at and afraid. I have a two year old son to this man and I've had enough. Please I need some advice a.s.a.p. Thankyou so much.
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March
03 Mar 2010
Hi Jude, my husband of three years has an anger management problem. He often deals with relatively small problems in a loud, abusive way. He swears a lot and breaks things. Recently he threw a box at me which hit my arm really hard. We have a two year old and I am eight months pregnant. I don't want to leave him because I don't believe that will improve our situation, and when he isn't angry life is really great.
I want to know how to convince him to get help. He takes any suggestion of a counsellor or an anger management course as an attack on his pride I think. I am not really worried about myself, I don't feel unsafe (just unloved) but I don't want my children growing up thinking it is ok to disrespect their mother. Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince someone they should get help?
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February
24 Feb 2010
If anyone's family is having a big fight can they contact you and can you come to their house?
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12 Feb 2010
Hi Jude
My partner and I argue a lot. We had a six month break because of him hitting and hurting me. He promised he wouldn't again, he used to feel bad and always wish he didn't, then he had a head injury a few months ago and he hurts me a lot and if things don't go his way or I wind him up then he will get angry. I love him and know he loves me but I want to know how to stop him - maybe counselling? I don't want to be told just to leave him because I'm sick of hearing that, it's not going to work, if he gets a new partner then he will hurt her. I think it may have to do with the way his father used to treat his mother. He says he never witnessed it but his mother says different, his family knows about him hurting me and they think it's wrong, please help me or give me some advice to help him. Thank you.
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January
28 Jan 2010
I have been in a violent relationship for too long. I am originally from Zimbabwe but got permanent residence here, when we first arrived I noticed my husband had changed so much, that's when I discovered that he was using internet dating. When I confronted him he became abusive and hit me in front of the kids, with punches and kicks. I did not report this incident to anyone, he apologised for this, but we have ongoing arguments all the time. He uses a lot of online dating, he does not help me fully financially to support our three children, he is abusive, constantly calling me stupid and dull, he belittles me because I work as a care giver, he takes away the car keys every time we argue leaving me with no means of transport, he takes away the ATM card (which he gave to me a few months ago) so I do not have access to funds. I do work but only weekends cause I have a small baby, he also has big anger management issues, always blaming everyone around him, making himself appear superior all the time. I have enrolled for my nursing degree to start next year, cause I feel we won't last long. I need to secure myself, how can I get help so that me and my husband are counselled, if this fails then I will call for divorce.
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